


Day Off

by jurassicparker



Series: South Of Sideways [1]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reverse Falls, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Dickbag Ford AU, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Humor, Like Holy Fuck A Lot Of Swearing, Love, Not Dipcifica Yet But Will Be Eventually, Reverse Pines, Reverse!Pines Aren't Evil, Sarcasm, Slow Burn, Soos Being Soos, Swearing, They're Just Massive Dicks, angry flirting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 19:28:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17167967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jurassicparker/pseuds/jurassicparker
Summary: Dipper Pines is just trying to have fun on his day off from his magic show, but then he sees something through the window. From there, it all goes to hell. Hilarious, hilarious hell.





	1. Apex

_Yeah I'm a beast_

_And now I'm unleashed_

_Ready to feast_

_Calm and peace_

_Not in the least_

-"Beast"

Chris Classic

 

It was Dipper Pines's day off, and he was going to enjoy it if it killed him.

Well, maybe not if it killed _him_ specifically. He would enjoy it if it killed Mabel, maybe.

Dipper woke up at 12 in the afternoon. He quickly got dressed, then walked down the hallway. He passed Mabel's room, and heard heavy metal. He rolled his eyes and kept it pushing.

"Hey, Stan," he said as he passed Mister Magic himself in the hallway.

Stan looked out from under his fedora. "Oh. Hey, kid. Whatcha gonna do on your day off?"

"None of your business," he replied coolly.

"Arrogant and paranoid? I knew I was teaching you well," Stan said proudly.

Dipper poured himself a bowl of Lucky Harms - _The world's most dangerous cereal!_ the box read, and it had a picture of a leprechaun decapitating a unicorn - and realized they were out of milk.

"Will!" he yelled. In a shower of blue light, the small man was there.

Well, small wasn't exactly the word. Will was a decent six feet, but was scarecrow-skinny, with shirts and pants that made him seem even thinner. Dipper was six-two, and also skinny, but lean. He had no doubts that he could go toe-to-blue-toe with Will.

If, you know, Will was human.

"We're out of milk. Go get me some."

"Yes, Master Pines," he said softly, and disappeared. He popped back in by the time Dipper sat down with a gallon of milk. "Yell if you need me, sir."

Will disappeared to… huh. Dipper pondered where he went off to as he chewed his cereal. _Limbo_? he thought to himself. _Hell? Heaven? Maybe he just goes to the El Burro down the road._ After a few minutes, Dipper decided that he didn't care enough to keep thinking about it and poured another bowl.

Upstairs, the heavy metal stopped, and Mabel's door opened. She floated down the stairs and sat down across from him. "Good afternoon, Dipper," she said. Her eyes glowed blue as some bread floated out of the bag on the counter and into the toaster.

"Hey, Mabel," he replied. "Why do you insist on wearing your outfit on our one day off?"

Mabel shrugged. "I don't know. I like it. It's nice wearing the same thing day after day, like having a schedule. What're your plans for today?"

Dipper ticked his schedule off on his fingers. "Well, first I'm gonna finish my breakfast."

"Most important meal of the day," she interrupted.

"Then I'm gonna go work out for an hour and a half, then I'll work with Ford for an hour."

"Dipper, you do know that the point of a day off is to relax a bit, right?" Mabel gently teased.

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Yeah, which is why I will then watch TV for a few hours, get some food at Sun King Wok, then go home and go to bed."

"You're just gonna eat by yourself?" Mabel asked. "What a loser."

"Well, who should I eat with?" he countered. "Your girl squad? Will? Wendy Corduroy?"

"You don't have any friends to eat with?" Mabel's voice was spiteful and incredulous, but curious.

Dipper thought about it. "Nope." He took another bite of cereal.

"Not that I care, like, _at all_ , but do you care that you don't have friends?"

He didn't have to think about it this time. "Nope."

"Why?" Mabel asked. She was genuinely wondering now.

"Mabel, you ever hear the saying, 'It's lonely at the top'? Well, that saying is total bee-ess."

"Yeah, but you're not at the top."

"You're right. I share the top with you, and you're not good company. I don't need friends when I've got power."

Mabel considered his words. The saddest part, she concluded, was that he believed he was right. "Okay, loser, whatever you say."

"What are you doing today?" he asked in polite disinterest.

The doorbell rang. "That's what I'm doing," Mabel said with a grin, and ran to the door. Dipper covered his ears instinctively, but he could still hear the girls screaming. Mabel ran past the kitchen doorway, and her girl gang followed.

Candy Chu was about five feet of pure rage. Dipper had learned the hard way that if you wanted a knife stuck in your esophagus, you insulted Candy's height. Or weight. Or anything. Grenda, on the other hand, was six-three and three hundred pounds of pure muscle. She was the only one who Dipper felt even a modicum of fear towards, but so would most people after watching her shove creeps' heads through solid concrete. It wasn't fear, he told himself, it was simple logic.

They both flipped him off as they passed, and he returned the gesture.

He walked to the gym a few blocks away, and quickly strapped his gloves on. Six years ago, when he came to live at Gravity Falls with his great-uncles, he quickly learned that he needed to fight if he didn't want the shit kicked out of him by Wendy Corduroy every day. So Dipper asked his uncles how, and naturally, Ford's method was "shoot the other person". While Dipper definitely respected that, and planned to use it someday, he needed advice that wouldn't put him in the Gravity Falls Penitentiary until college.

So Stan introduced him to boxing, and he grew to it like a fish to water. His trainers told him that with his long reach, the goal for him was to hit the other person to keep them away. Dipper worked on that, and six years later, the trainers stopped giving him lessons so that he could find his own style while they worked on the other guys who came in.

His twin wasn't going to be left out, though, and she wanted to fight too - not because she had to, but because she loved to fight. Mabel also got the "shoot the other guy" talk from Ford, but declined it - not for moral reasons, but because then it just wouldn't be as much fun.

So Mabel studied the "ancient art" of Krav Maga, which Dipper had no idea how it worked, but thought that the name was ridiculous. "It sounds like something that elementary-school soccer moms store their gluten-free waffles in during their kids' games," he told Mabel one day. She didn't think it was very funny.

Dipper walked to the corner of the room, where a bright red sandbag hung from the ceiling. Every other bag was occupied, but all of the other gym rats knew to leave the corner one alone.

That was Dipper Pines's, and Dipper Pines's alone.

Dipper slipped off his shirt. Then, he clapped his gloves together and got to work.

Jab. Jab. Jab. Right Cross. Right Cross. Right Cross. Right Uppercut. Right Uppercut. Right Uppercut. Finish it off with a right stomach punch. Switch hands and repeat. He did it for thirty minutes, then went to get a drink of water from the fountain.

When Dipper returned, he saw two guys getting ready to start working out on his corner bag. Dipper raised an eyebrow and walked over. "Hey, guys," he said calmly and peacefully. "I was working out on this bag. Think you can find another one?"

The two were obviously newcomers. The one with gloves on was taller than the other, and looked at him with surprise. "Oh, sure, dude. My bad. Come on, Tyler, let's go find another one." He started to leave, and Dipper sighed with relief. It would look really bad on the Pines name to start a fight in public.

The other one, however, didn't move from holding the bag. "Nah, Jacob, I don't think we should." He stared at Dipper with an ugly smile on his face. Dipper was reminded of a troll from one of those stupid movies he watched with Mabel two weeks ago. "After all, we were here first."

Dipper cocked his head to the side, not letting his voice go anywhere other than calm. "Actually, Tyler, I was."

"Ty, dude, let's just go," Jacob said, putting his arms up like a peacemaker.

"Is that your bag?" Tyler asked Dipper, ignoring his friend. He jerked his head toward Dipper's bright blue bag with his change of clothes in it.

"Yes," Dipper said with steel in his voice.

Tyler grinned that nasty grin again, turned his head, and spat on the bag. Dipper winced inwardly. He didn't feel bad about the clothes, which could be replaced, or what he was going to have do to this caveman, but he did regret having to do it in public.

"Okay, so is that how it's gonna be?" he asked Tyler, who nodded, never dropping the stupid grin.

"Tyler, you idiot!" Jacob shouted at him. He turned to Dipper with a pleading look in his eyes. "Dude, I am so sorry. I'll get him out of here-"

"Don't worry, 'dude'," Dipper mimicked, but not cruelly. He was only cruel to those who deserved it. Like Tyler.

"Tyler, I challenge you to a spar." Dipper pulled himself up to look eye level with him.

The growing crowd gasped. Spars were serious business at the gym. If you lose, you didn't come back for a month, and you were ridiculed for as long as people remember it. No one can turn down a spar challenge.

Tyler's eyes seemed to shrink into his face a little, but the ugly grin didn't drop. "Let's go, little man."

Dipper allowed a grin of his own to form on his face. _This_ , he thought to himself, _is going to be fun_.

Tyler and him walked over to the ring and stood on opposite sides. Neither put on the headgear. Dipper gave his opponent the once-over.

Tyler didn't take his shirt off. _He's ashamed_ , Dipper thought. _He doesn't like his body, so he covers it up. I think I can use that._

Tyler left his earrings in. _I can definitely use that,_ Dipper thought, chuckling at his opponent's stupidity.

And finally, the muscles in his left arm were bigger than the ones in his right. So he was either left handed or he conducted his 'Internet research' solely with his off hand. Dipper went with the former.

They stood in opposite corners. Then a gym rat rang the bell, and the spar began.

Tyler came out swinging. Dipper ducked and weaved. He used his reach to give Tyler a gut punch. The big guy didn't even flinch. He roared and punched Dipper in the nose.

Dipper staggered over, just barely managing to stay upright. He felt something in his nose loosen, and a bit of blood came out of one nostril.

He looked at Tyler, who was grinning, and grinned back sinisterly. Tyler's troll-grin faded a bit. Stan had taught Dipper all about the Jack-O-Lantern Grin that every business man like himself had to know - one that said _Please, try to fuck with me some more, I'm begging you._

This time, he charged at Tyler, whose grin dropped entirely. He swung at Dipper, who dodged back and gave him a few right hooks to the cheek. Tyler tried to give him one of his own, but Dipper ducked, used his momentum, and gave Tyler an uppercut that would make Rumble McSkirmish proud.

With a mighty crash, Tyler tumbled backward and laid there for a second, dazed. Then he got back up and roared.

"I think I made him angry!" Dipper shouted to the crowd, who cheered appreciatively.

"Kick his ass, Tyler!" Jacob cried out. "No offense, kid," he told Dipper. Dipper shrugged nonchalantly.

Tyler charged Dipper, who instinctively put his forearms up to block, leaving his stomach open. Weirdly, the big guy didn't take advantage of that, settling for giving a flurry of hooks and jabs. He backed Dipper into a corner, then brought his knee up into Dipper's stomach.

Dipper grunted and fell over. He could feel a bruise forming already. The crowd gasped, and Jacob yelled, "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"Get his ass out of here!" one of the gym rats yelled at Tyler. The others shouted agreement, not out of loyalty to Dipper (although maybe a little fear was involved), but personal integrity to gym rules.

Dipper forced himself up and waved them off. "We're keeping this fight on!" he shouted at the rats, who muttered among themselves cautiously.

 _Finally,_ Dipper thought, _I can fight my way_. A smile grew on his face. A smile different then his grin. His grin was a warning. His smile told his opponent that it was too late.

Tyler charged him. Dipper prepared himself for the left cross, moved to the left side, and punched Tyler right on the earlobe.

While normally painful, it shouldn't have done lasting damage, just a little stunning. But the earring cut into the side of Tyler's neck, and he howled in pain as blood poured out.

Normally, the crowd would have reacted much in the same way that they did to Tyler, but when Dipper did it, they cheered. In their opinion, Tyler broke the rules first, so he got what was coming to him.

Bright red blood stained Tyler's white sleeveless shirt. He yelled in disgust and tore it off, simply ripping it apart. Dipper realized why he kept his shirt on in the first place.

There was a small bump on his sternum. It was pink. It kind of looked like-

"Oh my god!" one of the rats yelled. "He's got three nipples!"

The crowd broke out in laughter. Jacob joined in. Dipper allowed himself to crack a smug smirk. One that promptly disappeared when Tyler yelled, "I am going to kill you!" and charged him.

Dipper looked at his eyes. _Oh my god, he's actually going to kill me_ , Dipper thought.

Mabel taught him one thing about Krav Maga.

He ran toward Tyler, and as they met in the middle, Dipper ducked down and gave a sweep kick to his leg. Tyler toppled forward, almost levitating in midair. Dipper popped back up, raised both of his fists above his head, and slammed them down on the back of Tyler's head.

The big man went down face-first and didn't get back up.

The crowd went wild. A few jumped into the ring and raised Dipper's hands in victory. Jacob was clapping and grinning.

Dipper grinned himself, out of pure joy this time. Then realization dawned on him. His uncles were _not_ going to be happy about this. "I gotta go," he mumbled, excusing himself. He grabbed his bag of clothes, mentally noting to wash them at home to get the spit off, and made a beeline for the door without bothering to put a shirt on. The crowd didn't notice him go. Well, most of the crowd.

As he slung the bag over his shoulders and started jogging home, a voice behind him said, "Hold up, dude!" Dipper turned, and saw Jacob at the doorway.

"Oh. Hello," he said uncomfortably. "Sorry for beating up your friend."

"Pfft," Jacob snorted. "That ain't my buddy. He's just some asshole that thinks we're workout partners. Thanks for kicking his ass before I did."

Dipper hid the surprise. "Yeah, well. Someone had to."

"What school do you go to?" Jacob asked.

"Gravity Falls High."

"No way! You're, what, a sophomore? I'm a senior."

"Junior, actually."

"What's your name?"

Dipper blinked. No one had actually asked that before. "Dipper. Dipper Pines."

"Nice to meet you, dude. I'm Jacob Crawley. You ever thought about playing basketball?"

This was probably the longest, most unexpected conversation that Dipper had ever had with anyone outside of Mabel and the uncles. "Uh, no."

"We need a few kids. If you wanna join, you should. You're tall enough, and you seem mean enough." Jacob shrugged. "Just a thought. "See you later."

"Yes, I'll see you in a month. That's when school starts, right?" Dipper asked.

"Yep." With a grin, Jacob walked back into the gym, yelling, "Stop jumping on him!"

Dipper found himself grinning.

"Suck on that, Mabel," he told himself. He started jogging back to home, and the grin quickly faded as he realized that next on his list was helping Ford's mad experiments.

Ah well. If his uncle accidentally killed him, at least he made a friend today.

Dipper heard the sirens before he got home. He sighed and ran a bit faster. He opened the front door to get a faceful of smoke. Dipper coughed and waved his way through.

Stan was already manning the fire extinguisher. He nodded casually to Dipper. "What was it this time?" Dipper asked. "Demons? Did he try to summon a volcano in the basement?"

"I think he burned his food in the microwave again," a voice behind him said, and Dipper nearly jumped out of his skin.

Instead, he stayed where he was and said coolly, "Hello, Mabel."

Mabel walked out in full view, dressed in her usual blue suit with tights. A hairband with a pendant adorning it crossed her hair. She said, "Hello, loser," and walked into the kitchen

Stan had the fire under control, and put the extinguisher back into its case on the wall. "I think the kid has a point, Dipper. Sixer's microwave is hooked up to a nuclear generator, remember? Might have gone kaboom."

"I'll go check it out," Dipper said. "First just let me put a shirt on." He walked upstairs to his spotless room. He grabbed a shirt, pulled it on, and started when he saw Will in the mirror. "Hello, Will."

"Master Pines, I saw that your nose is bleeding," he said worriedly, "so I brought a first aid kit!" He held it out.

Dipper took it. "Thanks, Will." He opened it and sighed. "Why is it filled with Hot Pockets?"

"Oh!" Will looked inside. "I believe those are four-cheese pizza flavored ones."

"Fantastic. But why are they in the first-aid kit?" Dipper was getting a little frustrated.

"Quoth Mabel and her trio of heathens, 'It will be very hilarious'," Will explained. "Except they didn't use the word 'very'."

Dipper sighed. "Well, that's not surprising. Go grab a new one from the store."

"Yes, Master Pines." Will picked up the first-aid kit, then hesitated. "What shall I do with all these Hot Pockets?"

Dipper smiled sadistically. "I believe that under Mabel's sheets on her bed would be a good place."

Will nodded and vanished.

"Is it that obvious?" Dipper asked himself, and looked at his nose in the mirror. He winced. Blood covered the space between his nose and his lip, and some of it streaked down his cheek until it looked like it ran into his mouth. His nose itself looked pink and swollen.

"Okay, it's that obvious. But not one of the other two noticed?" He thought about it, decided that once again, he wasn't surprised, and washed his face off. When he decided it was clean, he walked downstairs.

The door to the elevator was open. Dipper walked into it and pressed the button that sent him to lab. As it slowly descended, he wondered absently if he should try to get some elevator music installed.

As he stepped out, wondering whether soft jazz or the song about liking piña coladas would be a better fit, Dipper reached an arm up and caught the ball that flew towards him at fifty miles an hour.

"I'm here, Ford," he shouted, which he felt was rather self-explanatory. "And I've got your ball."

"Ah, good! Bring the specimen over here," Ford called from the other side of the lab.

"Specimen?" Dipper took a closer look at the ball. A ball which was furry. And mobile.

And very bitey.

The hamster sank its fangs into the side of Dipper's hands. He winced, thinking about getting some disinfectant, then hurried over to Ford. There was an empty hamster cage, and Dipper flung the little rodent into it. He locked the cage, and the hamster crawled up to the bars and growled at him. Tried to growl - it was more of an adorable, aggressive squeak at him.

"Why?" Dipper simply asked. He had learned a while ago to keep the questions simple, or Ford would ramble off on some unrelated tangent.

"That is my newest experiment!" Ford replied brightly, pushing his glasses back up on his nose and tapping the cage. The little devil ran up to the bars and tried to bite his finger through them. Dipper gaped on the inside. The bastard really did have fangs.

"What?"

"It's an other-dimensional being that disguises itself to appear to be a hamster, but its bite sucks a bit of blood. When it has your blood, it wants a bit more. It didn't bite you, did it?"

"...No," Dipper lied. "So it's like a hamster bloodhound?"

"More like a hamster vampire. Which is why I'm calling it-"

"Please don't call it the Hampire."

"-the Hampire! Name pending."

"I don't have the patience to argue with your stupid names. You need my help with something?"

"Yes, I do!" Ford sighed happily. "It's so nice to have a helper. Back in the other dimension, I did this all by myself. And now I have someone almost as enthusiastic as me!" He reached over and ruffled Dipper's hair, but he never took his eyes off the Hampire.

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever. What do you need?"

Fifteen minutes later, he had the fire extinguisher pointed at the portal that Ford had been working on. Ford had on his hazmat suit and was hiding behind an overturned table.

"Okay, when it pokes its head out, spray it!" Ford called out.

"Shouldn't I be wearing the hazmat suit, Ford?!" Dipper yelled back.

"Yes, probably!" The mad scientist gleam was in his eyes again. "Think of it as an experiment!"

"What kind of experiment?"

"How much radiation can a human take? Turning on in 3…"

"What?!"

"2…1… It's on!"

The portal sparked, and then started glowing. A pink and purple spiral appeared in the middle, and Dipper felt the suction. He ground his feet into the ground and grit his teeth.

The air started whistling past him and into the portal. It suddenly stopped. So did the suction.

Dipper and Ford were quiet. "Why did it stop?" Dipper asked. "The portal's still on."

"Well, either I finally fixed it," Ford said, a combination of fear and excitement in his voice, "or there's something blocking the other side."

As if on cue, a roar came from the other side. "Why is always the second one?" Dipper asked the heavens, and a head poked out of the portal.

It looked like Bigfoot's bigger, older, _redder_ cousin. It was big enough to fill up the portal, which was enormous in diameter, but the only thing that could fit was its neck. Its fur was a bright, candy-apple red.

It turned its head to look at Dipper, who stared at it in curiosity and horror. Dipper noted in the back of his head that Bigfoot had a unibrow.

Then it roared, and Dipper got a look at Bigfoot's teeth.

"Holy shit," Dipper said, and it roared.

As long as it stayed there, Dipper and Ford combined could take care of it. Ford had the laser gun that he stole from the US army a few weeks ago (long story). They could evaporate the sucker and-

Then the head caught on fire.

"HOLY SHIT!" Dipper yelled, and rolled out of the way as a beam of heat exploded from its mouth. The blast hit a map of the universe on the wall and totally destroyed Uranus.

Dipper heard himself screaming like a little girl as he blasted the head with foam from the extinguisher. It put out the fire, but the beast still roared at him and tried to reach him. Dipper looked at it, and an idea came to mind. He lunged forward, dodging the mouth, and slammed the extinguisher into the edge of the portal. With a crunch, it splintered into pieces and powered off, and with a sick slice, the beast's eyes rolled back into its head, which popped up like a demented Jack-In-The-Box.

Breathing heavily, Dipper stared at it. Ford broke the silence, yelling, "You imbecile! I wanted to study it alive!" He roughly smacked Dipper in the back of the head.

Dipper whirled on him, rubbing his head. "Where the hell were you?!" he demanded. "I could have died for your stupid science project, while you were hiding behind your desk!"

"Do not talk to me that way, boy," Ford threatened, but Dipper brushed it off and stood face-to-face with him. After six summers, they were eye level, finally.

"No, old man, you listen to me," Dipper snarled. "I have been helping you for years now. Four years ago, I risked my life trying to summon an abomination while you hid in a corner and screamed, 'Take the kid instead!'"

"And that turned out well," Ford protested. "The monster is now loyal to you and only you."

"I've cleaned up your messes, I've wiped the minds of everyone involved, I've lied to the entire damn town about what you do down here, and how do you thank me?" Dipper's eyes glowed dangerously. "You force me to do your stupid performances, you force me to get _this_ -" He rubbed his right shoulder. "-and you say that you're the best thing that ever happened to me."

"I am," Ford said coldly. "I was more than willing to let you and your sister die on the street, but here you are, in the biggest mansion in town, with one of the biggest magic shows in the world, with your own supernatural butler at your beck and call."

"No, Ford, you're a plague to this town," Dipper growled, and began floating an inch or two off the ground. Ford eyed him. "Never forget what you brought into your home," he said, and his voice echoed across the room. "You brought _me_."

"Maybe so," Ford said calmly. "But I also brought your greatest weakness." He pulled out a blue vial from nowhere and shook it. Dipper saw it, and his eyes widened.

"Is that-"

Ford threw it in the air and caught it at the last second. "Do you really want to find out?" he said quietly.

Dipper immediately landed and put his hands up. "Okay, okay!" he shouted in panic. "Don't drop it!"

Ford smiled sinisterly and put it away.

Dipper's eyes lost the supernatural glow, but not the rage-filled one. "I will _not_ forget this, Ford." His hands contracted into fists.

"Oh, you will," Ford said casually, and quick as a flash, he pulled out a gun and shot Dipper.

He collapsed to the ground, and Ford quickly stashed the weapon. Dipper groaned and asked, "Did we get it?"

"Yes, we did, my loyal assistant!" Ford chirped brightly. "Actually, it was mostly you. Congratulations, you have successfully defeated a Bigflare!"

Dipper looked over and saw the severed head of the monster. "Ew. I guess I must have passed out."

"Yes, that is what tends to happen facing monsters," Ford chuckled. "But you gave it hell, and you won! Thanks to you, my research can continue."

Dipper stood up wobbily. He walked over to the head and kicked it lightly. "Huh. I kicked a flaming Bigfoot's ass. Go me. Need anything else, Ford?"

"No, thank you. Go say hello to Mabel for me, will you?"

"I'll try. See you, Ford." Dipper walked over to the elevator and took one last glance at the lab. He internally sneered when he saw his uncle waving with an enormous smile on his face. He couldn't help but dislike him. For the last few years, he had been using Dipper as a tool to cover up his own science experiments. Dipper doubted that Ford knew that he knew, and he intended to keep it that way. He never let his emotions boil over, and he wasn't about to start now.

He had no doubts that he could take Ford head-on in a fight, though. After all, Dipper was dangerous.

-

Mabel was lying on her bed, texting Candy and Grenda when she heard it. _hol up i gotta check smth real fast_ , she texted, and then jumped off her bed and slowly stalked down the hallway to their shared bathroom.

As she got closer, the ungodly noise got louder. The louder it got, the worse it sounded. By the time she reached the door, it was unbearable, but she could make out the words now. Mabel smirked and kicked the door in.

" _So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song…_ " her idiotic (and tone-deaf) twin sang loudly. " _The butterflies fly away! Yeeeeeaaaaah! It's a party in the USA! Yeeeeeeaaaaah! It's a party in the-_ "

"Dipshit, shut up!" she yelled. A muffled yelp came from behind the curtain. It shifted and Dipper poked his head around it, one hand clutching a bottle of shampoo that he had clearly been using as a microphone.

"What do you want?" he said, attempting to sound as contemptuous as possible.

Mabel wasn't buying it. "I want you to stop singing terrible music!"

"HEY!" Stan yelled from downstairs. "I'll have you know that Party In The USA is a CLASSIC!"

"For once, he's right." Dipper's tone had gone back to totally smug. Mabel rolled her eyes, told him he was #1 with her right hand, and stalked back to her room.

Dipper groaned when she was out of earshot. "If I can't goof off in the shower," he grumbled, "where can I goof off?"

One benefit of having friends, he noted, is that you can be as dumb as you want with them. He often observed Mabel, Candy and Grenda causing mayhem, stealing candy on Halloween, and setting random trash cans on fire. He had always secretly envied that kind of friendship. His closest friend was Will.

Jacob. Dipper blinked. He had forgotten about Jacob. While he had no doubts that Jacob would be the wild friend, Dipper himself knew that he was too responsible to be crazy. He sighed. Maybe someday he'd loosen up.

But now, he brightened as he turned off the shower and grabbed the towel, was one of his favorite parts of the day. And with that, Dipper put on some clothes and marched downstairs.

He parked himself in front of the TV with a bag of popcorn that Will Cipher had made for him, found the remote under the couch cushions, and flipped through the channels until he found something he liked - namely, _Duck-Tective_. Dipper tried to ignore the crashing going on in the basement and hoped that Ford wouldn't blow up the house until the show was over.

Apparently, the avian investigator and his partner, Commodore Theodore Somadore, were investigating the theft of 15,000 chicken nuggets. Why someone had 15,000 chicken nuggets, Dipper had no idea, but for once he turned his brain off and watched as Somadore ate one of the remaining chicken nuggets while the duck stared at him in disgust.

"Hmm, the trail is fresh!" the Commodore declared as he pointed a finger up. "The dastardly culprit must be close by!"

"You monster, that was my uncle Harvey!" Duck-Tective quacked through subtitles.

"I agree, partner! My tracking skills are marvelous!"

Dipper yawned, and looked out the window to his right. A group of kids were heading to the woods behind the row of houses in his neighborhood. He watched with interest as they vaulted the fence to his neighbor's backyard.

There were four kids, two guys and two girls. The first boy was short, but his hair was stark white and made up for about six inches in an impressive pompadour. Dipper had seen him around at school - Gleeful, he thought. His dad owns the garage down the road. The kid was weird - always had his nose in a book. Gleeful probably spent more time shoved in a locker than in class. He scaled the fence slowly, but surely. His blue vest got caught on the top of the fence when he tried to climb down on the other side, and he dangled in the air, yelping for someone to get him down while the others broke down laughing.

The first girl was… not really _fat_ , but heavy set. Her green T-shirt had an exclamation mark on it, and the back read, _Good deals now at the Mystery Shack!_ She must work at that old tourist trap. The girl seemed about ten years older than the others. She yelled, "Oh my gosh, Gideon! Are you okay?" She climbed the fence slowly and unhooked his vest. He fell to the ground with a comical "Oomph!" A book fell out of one of his inside pockets.

"Thanks, Melody," the boy called Gideon groaned as he grabbed the book. It briefly flashed in the light, and Dipper noted that it had a handprint with a 3 inscribed on the cover.

The second boy said, "There must be an easier way to do this." He looked nervous, and Dipper realized that he recognized him. It was Robbie Valentino, a senior. He was always on the Academic Super Bowl teams for math and science. He pushed up his glasses. "Seriously, there must be a gate or something-"

"DO IT!" Gideon and Melody shouted happily. "It's easy!"

"Well…" he bit his lip. "Okay, fine." With that, he closed his eyes and began to climb. Five second later, he asked, "Am I at the top yet?"

"You haven't even left the ground," Gideon told him.

"It's like seven feet," the girl behind him said. "You got this, come on."

Dipper noticed the girl and his heart stopped for a second.

She was the prettiest girl he had ever seen. Her blonde hair came down to her waist in a ponytail, and she had long, athletic legs that she showed off in jean shorts. She wore a bright red, oversized sweater and tennis shoes.

She was also very athletic. "Pacifica," Melody warned, "what did I tell you about jumping over things taller than you?"

Pacifica wore a goofy grin. "That I look _amazing_ while doing it?" she responded brightly. Then she backed up a few steps, took a running start, and vaulted the fence.

Dipper gaped as she grabbed the top bar and pulled herself into a handstand, never dropping the grin. She held herself there for a few seconds, then jumped over and landed on her feet next to Gideon and Melody.

"That was dangerous!" Melody chastised, but looked as if she was used to it by now.

"Show off," Gideon muttered, and Pacifica stuck her tongue out at him.

Dipper was amazed. He had seen professional gymnasts who couldn't do that.

Meanwhile, Robbie was having a fantastic time. "Oh my god why is the fence shaking is it a bird get it off!" he screeched as he held on for dear life.

"He's still not over that?" Pacifica asked, laughing. "I swear, we will leave your nerdy butt here!"

"You better not!" Robbie pulled himself over with a gasp and landed painfully. Gideon offered him a hand and he took it. "Thanks."

"You know," Gideon told him, "I don't get it. We ask if you want to hunt monsters in the woods, you say sure. We ask you to climb a fence, you wimp out."

"No," Robbie said, "you asked if I wanted to _watch_ you guys hunt monsters. I don't feel much like hunting monsters after the shapeshifter made me watch as Paz killed me."

Pacifica's face darkened and she dropped her sunny smile for the first time. "Don't mention the shapeshifter," she said.

"Uh, right." Robbie seemed to be attempting to swallow his tongue. "My bad."

"Okay then!" Melody said brightly, changing the subject. "Let's go take care of some monsters!"

Gideon and Pacifica whooped and ran towards the woods, with the other two trailing behind.

Duck-Tective still played, but Dipper was lost in thought. That girl, Pacifica… she seemed different. Most of the people in Gravity Falls were strange, but habitual. It was almost as if the insanity of their surroundings had stolen their energy to do anything different. After living here for six years, Dipper knew that most of the town wore blue and gray, his own family included. They were the colors of the high school sports teams, the colors of almost every building on his block. Even his and his sister's stage costumes were blue and gray. It was monotonous.

And then she came, and she was full of color and energy and excitement. She jumped fences, she smiled with the force of the sun, and she seemed _fun_.

Dipper smiled at the thought of her. "At least something's changing here," he said out loud. Then his mind wandered.

Dipper pondered the book. His great-uncle Ford would love that book. He said that there was something hidden in the pages, something fantastic, but deadly. Ford had a book just like it, and Dipper tried to read it once to no avail. Most of it was in code, and he didn't have time to decipher that. Ford wrote it, though, and said that what was written in both books was the most dangerous thing in all of Gravity Falls.

Dipper snorted. _He_ was the most dangerous thing in Gravity Falls.

Well, him and his sister.

As if on cue, something exploded in Mabel's upstairs bedroom. Cackling followed.

Dipper turned his attention back to the TV. He watched for a while, almost appalled at his own interest in it. _This is a kid's show,_ he told himself. _I can't believe this. I'm sixteen, I'm the most powerful person in town, and I'm watching a kids show._ But he continued watching with interest, and soon, Duck-Tective and Commodore faced down the crook. Suddenly, the bird whipped out a revolver with his wing and shot the culprit point-blank in the face. Dipper sat upright in his seat. "This just got interesting."

"Well done, my loyal avian partner!" the Commodore chuckled. "We've really _quacked_ this case-"

The duck shot him in the leg. The Commodore screamed in another language - Spanish?

"What the hell?" Dipper asked under his breath as the two yelled at each other back-and-forth in Spanish. The gun went off, and the Commodore rocked backward as blood rolled down his face. The TV paused on its own, and a hand fell on Dipper's shoulder. In a flash, Dipper was up and shoving his forearm on his foe's throat before he knew who it was. He pushed him to the kitchen and slammed him against a wall and then realized who.

"Master Pines!" Will Cipher wailed. "I did not mean to disturb! I am sorry! Please release me!"

Dipper slowly let him go. Will collapsed to the ground, wheezing. Dipper looked at him suspiciously. He seemed the same as he usually did - waistcoat, blue hair, legs that seemed too long and slender - but something felt off.

He shrugged it off. "Sorry about that, Will," he said nonchalantly. "You startled me. Don't make that mistake again."

Will's choked gasps turned nasty. Then he started laughing maniacally. "Oh, I won't."

"Will?" Dipper asked, unnerved.

He turned his head upward, and his eyes were yellow. "Not Will," Dipper answered himself, raising an eyebrow and reaching for the broom.

"Will? Will Cipher?" The thing in the servant's body stood up, and it started to change. His normally blue clothes and hair turned bright yellow. His waistcoat turned into a dapper yellow longcoat. His pants turned baggier and khaki, growing pockets all over until he wore a pair of cargo pants. His normally white undershirt changed into a black T-shirt with a white design - a triangle in the middle of a wheel with images. Dipper noticed a shooting star, a question mark, a broken heart, and… a llama? Dipper decided that he had bigger issues.

"Will"'s face contorted. His usual timid frown turned into a Cheshire grin, while his eye… Dipper backed away in revulsion. Pink, intestine-looking string appeared from his eyelid and sewed his right eye closed.

The thing that was not Will took off the usually small top hat that he wore (and that the twins had never been able to take off) and tapped it on the side. It turned into a maroon fez. He grunted irritatedly and tapped it a few more times. Dipper watched with caution as the hat turned into a baseball cap, a fedora, a blue and white cap with a blue pine tree on it, and finally a long, thin top hat with a yellow stripe running through it. "Will" situated it on his head proudly.

"Now, where were we, Pine Tree?" he asked. "Oh right, you called me Will, but as you can see-"

"You're not Will," Dipper finished, remaining calm. "Obviously."

"You guessed it, Pine Tree!" the thing said cheerfully. "My name's Bill! Bill Cipher, at your service. Shake on it?" Bill extended his hand.

"No, thank you," Dipper said cordially. _Always be nice to strangers,_ his mother had always taught him, although he doubted that she was talking about strangers who possessed your butler. "So, Bill, can you please get out of my servant? I need someone to clean up my idiotic sister's room."

"Hah! I don't think I can do that, Pine Tree."

"Why do you keep calling me Pine Tree?"

Bill cocked his head. "Hmm. Guess this isn't the dimension I aimed for. You aren't my Pine Tree. Usually, Pine Tree would have started screaming in that scratchy, prepubescent voice of his. Your name is Dipper, right? Dipper Pines?"

"Yes," Dipper said, slightly annoyed. How did he not know who he was?

"How old are you? Twelve? Five? Seventy two?"

"I'm old enough to not tell you."

Bill laughed uproariously at that. "You at least seem smarter than Pine Tree!"

Dipper decided it was time for a few questions of his own. "Who and what are you?"

"My name, as I said, is Bill Cipher. What am I?" He seemed to ponder the question. "I am like your Willy Cipher, but worse. Much worse." His sewn eye was swollen and pink by now, and it unnerved Dipper.

Bill seemed to notice, and pulled a black eyepatch out of nowhere and pulled it over his eye with an elastic snap.

"Where do you come from?" Dipper asked. "Hell? I didn't think that existed."

"No, not from downstairs. Not from upstairs in Heaven either. I come from…" Bill seemed to think about it. "Sideways of here. No offense, but I don't think you're my Pine Tree."

"And you're not my Will Cipher," Dipper agreed. "So how will you get back to Sideways?"

"Oh, I don't know. I think I might stay here for a while. This dimension seems conquerable."

"What do you mean?" Dipper asked, his mind readying himself for a conflict.

"Oh, you know our kind," Bill said amiably. "We're always after the same thing. World domination. Armageddon. Parties 24/7. Free pizza deliveries."

"While that sounds… fun…." Dipper said, thinking over his next few words, "I think that I speak for the human race when I decline your offer."

"Oh, it wasn't an offer," Bill said, his eyes hardening. "It was a promise. Now let me do it, and maybe I'll spare you. Heck, I might even throw in your sister's life as well."

Bill smiled as if he expected Dipper to comply.

Needless to say, Dipper didn't. "You aren't conquering anything," Dipper said, voice calm but eyes narrowing. "I am the most powerful thing on earth."

"No," Bill said, laughing, "you _were_."

Quick as a flash, he darted over to Dipper and backhanded him across the face. Dipper flew into the cabinet across the kitchen and collapsed to the ground.

"Look upon me, kid," Bill snarled, all cheerfulness gone. "You thought you were the top of the food chain? Not anymore."

Dipper groaned and got up. He felt a cracked rib. "What the hell are you?" he yelled in panic, too dazed to be calm.

"Dream demons like me and your old pal Will?" Bill cracked his neck. "We're gods. That's what we are."

"Dream demons?" Dipper mind went back to his journal. He grinned, showing sharpened canines. "So I'm dreaming?"

Bill's grin dropped a bit. "I shouldn't have said that."

If Dipper was dreaming, then he could do anything.

Anything.

"News for you, Bill Cipher." A knife slid out of Dipper's sleeve as soon as he thought of it. "You're not the apex anymore. See you later."

"Kid, wait!" Bill shrieked.

Dipper stabbed himself in the chest, and woke up with a start.

His hand instinctively went to his chest. No mark. His rib felt sore, but not broken.

Duck-Tective still played, but no one got shot in the face. He groaned in pain, and turned off the TV. "Will!" he called.

Will Cipher teleported to him instantly. Dipper was thankful that he was back to the waistcoat, blue color and skinny jeans. Both of his eyes were intact.

"Yes, Master Pines?" he asked timidly.

"I need you to ask Great-Uncle Ford about dream demons, and how to protect the house from them."

Will paled as much as he could, seeing as he didn't have a lot of color in the first place. "Did you have a nightmare, Master Pines?"

"Something like that." He gently pushed him. "Go fast, before night."

"Yes sir."

"Oh, and get me the first-aid kit. You have cleaned out the Hot Pockets, right?"

"Yes. What is the matter?"

"I think I might have broken my rib."

Will's eyes widened. He disappeared, then reappeared a moment later. He silently handed the kit to Dipper, then vanished again.

Dipper took his shirt off and started wrapping his chest. It wasn't broken, but he wasn't going to take any chances.

The doorbell rang as he was sliding his sweatshirt back on. "Who is it?!" Mabel yelled from upstairs.

"I don't know! I'll get it!" Dipper hollered back.

"It better not be Girl Scouts selling their disgusting cookies!"

"We don't have those in Gravity Falls."

"Or Jehovah's Witnesses!"

"We don't have those either."

DING DONG! DINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONGDING-

"Okay, I'm coming!" He opened the door. "No, I'm not interested in joining - what?"

At the door was the pretty blonde girl with a purple tank top on, having shed her sweater. She was covered in sweat, blood, and… sparkles?

"We need your help," she panted, and Dipper was too surprised to answer.

"My cousin... I think he's dying."


	2. Runner

_Run boy run_

_This world is not made for you_

_Run boy run_

_They're trying to catch you_

_Run boy run_

_Running is a victory_

_Run boy run_

_Beauty is behind the hills_

-"Run Boy Run"

Woodkid

 

It was Pacifica Northwest's day off, and she was going to enjoy it if it killed her.

At the rate it was going, it probably _would_ kill her.

She catapulted off her fold-out bed on the couch at 9:30 in the morning and ran down the hall in her pajamas, whooping up a storm. Gideon peered out of his room, dark circles under his eyes and his normally prim hair sticking out all over.

"Keep it down, will you?" he groaned. "I've been up all night studying."

"What are you studying for?" Pacifica asked, giggling as she poked some of the strands of white hair that hung out of place. "It's the middle of June!"

"College prep classes," he answered. "You can never start too early. I'm thinking AP Chemistry, AP Calculus, AP Computer Sciences-"

"Slow down," Pacifica teased. "I don't think you'll miss out on anything for one day. Besides," she waggled her eyebrows, "today is a perfect day for monster hunting," she finished in a singsong voice.

Gideon's face brightened and he said excitedly, "It is a perfect day! And I've got just the monster!" He ran back to the desk in his room and pulled out the journal.

Paz followed him. "What is it?" she asked.

Gideon flipped through the pages one at a time, very slowly. He was either trying to not mess up the pages or he was playing it out melodramatically. Both were equally possible.

Pacifica fought the urge to fall asleep by commenting on every monster there.

Leprechaun. "Aww!"

Unicorn. "So evil, but so majestic!"

Shapeshifter. "No."

Zombies. "I told you we shouldn't have sold that karaoke machine."

Gnomes. "NO."

Something titled in code. "Why is there a giant baby in your journal?"

Finally, Gideon got to the right page and showed it to her. "Bam!"

It was… it was…

"OHMYGODTHATSTHECUTESTTHINGIVEEVER _SEEEEEEEEN_!" Pacifica squealed. It was a brown corgi, with dotted eyes and a goofy grin with its tongue hanging out.

"Yeah, and that's how it gets you," Gideon said ominously. "It breathes fire, spits acid, farts… something-"

"It fights by farting?! We need to find this thing! What's it called?"

"It's called a Corgon. You know, like corgi and dragon. We'll hunt it at around two-thirty, okay?"

"Sounds good!" Pacifica ran for the door. "I'll take a shower, you call Robbie and Melody!"

"Deal!" Gideon said after her. "And no, you can't hunt the monster in footie pajamas this time!"

"No fun!" Pacifica's voice drifted around the corner.

As she turned the water onto all the way hot, Pacifica danced around the bathroom, singing barely-coherent lyrics that she made up as she went. She sang in the shower, she sang through breakfast, and she sang as she read the grocery list.

-Pig food

-Wrench

-Motor Oil

-Hair gel

-Sammich material

"Uncle Bud!" she yelled into the garage. "I'm going shopping and I need your credit card!"

Bud rolled out from under a car and wiped the grease and sweat from his forehead. "Okay, sweetie! It's on the counter! Have a fun day off!"

"Thanks, Bud." She walked inside, and finally felt the last of the morning sugar-rush fade away. Her hands stopped twitching, and she grabbed the card and keys to the golf cart. As Pacifica hopped into the drivers seat and gunned the engine, she heard bleating. She looked down, booted Gompers the goat out of the cart where it had made its bed, and drove off into town.

In most ordinary towns, driving around on a golf cart would be illegal and would net you a hefty fine. It was impossible to mistake Gravity Falls for an ordinary town, though. As Paz cruised through the streets, she waved to everyone, and everyone waved back. Pacifica flipped through the radio station - she mentally thanked Melody - and found a classic rock station that she blared. It got a look of approval and a devil-horns gesture from Manly Dan, and a glare from a flock of nuns.

"Where do the nuns even come from?" Pacifica asked herself. "We have like one church, and it's Mormon."

She was deep in thought as she pulled alongside a police car at a stop light. The window slowly opened, and a cop peered out. He had a hook going through his nose, and at his forehead he had the tattoo FOREHEAD, at his chin the tattoo CHIN, and at his cheek - well, you can probably guess what he had tattooed there.

The cop glowered as Pacifica. "Do you have a permit to be driving around on that hunk of metal?" he asked threateningly.

"Absolutely not!" Paz answered cheerfully.

The man's stern expression melted into a warm grin. "Aw, I love a girl with enthusiasm! You have a good day now, young lady!"

"You too, sir!" She waved goodbye as they took different turns as the light turned green.

She pulled up to the strip mall that contained the bowling alley, Durland's Diner and the grocery store. Pacifica ran into Durland's Diner first. She pulled up a seat at the bar. The bartender turned around and said, "Well, hello there, Miz Northeast!"

Paz didn't bother to correct him on the name. "Hello, Mr. Durland! How's business today?"

"It just got a little better when your shining face walked in," Durland replied cheerfully. "Now what exactly can I do ya for?"

Pacifica had ordered it so many times that she didn't even need to open the menu any more. "I'll take a stack of pancakes with as many chocolate chips and as much syrup you got. Ooh, and whipped cream! With a cherry on top, please."

Durland grinned as he wrote down the order. "Metabolism is wasted on the youth, that's what I always say, ya know?" He pinched a bit of his gut. "See this? This is what you'll grow into," he warned with a comical squint.

Pacifica giggled. "Gotta eat while I can!"

Durland turned and barked the orders to Blubs, the head cook. "Will do, boss man!" Blubs replied cheerfully. He turned to Paz and exclaimed, "Girly girl, how is your cholesterol standing up to all of this? This is enough food to give a water buffalo diabetes!"

"Pfft," she replied sunnily, "I am way stronger than most any water buffalo!"

"Fair enough," Blubs conceded, and started mixing some batter.

Pacifica thought about the two. Were they a couple or not? Pacifica had no idea. She thought her gaydar was spot-on, but her ex-boyfriend told her that she was wrong about that.

As she wolfed down the food, she felt her energy levels dropping. She gave a sigh of relief. Paz knew that she couldn't function throughout the day as crazy as she got in the mornings. Now she acted like a slightly-hyperactive sixteen-year old instead of a crazy-ass elementary schooler.

She paid and left a generous tip. As Paz headed out, she pushed a quarter into the old jukebox and selected A9, _Walking on Sunshine_. She headed next door to the grocery store, the song in her head as she grabbed the nearest cart. Humming, she made her way through the aisles, scooping up some bread, ham, cheese, and rainbow sprinkles that she usually put on her cookies. "Do we have cookie stuff at home?" Paz asked herself. "Yeah, I think so. Just in case…" She grabbed a bag of chocolate chips. "Can't go wrong with double chocolate chips. I am so smart."

She walked past the boxes of cereal, pausing briefly to look at the box of Lucky Harms. Paz had no clue who would eat them, but the box art was darkly entertaining. It depicted a smiling leprechaun with what Uncle Bud often called "evil eyebrows" decapitating a grinning unicorn as rainbow blood gushed out.

 _Comes with a free package of unicorn blood_! the words promised. _Buy yours now!_

Pacifica rolled her eyes, but laughed a little. Messed up as this town was, it was hilarious at times. Her friends back home wouldn't believe her stories even if she had pictures.

Pacifica pushed her cart to the other side of the store, which was the department section. It was no Home Depot, but it had what she needed. Namely, wrenches and motor oil. "Doo doo doo, just buyin' some stuff…" she sang to herself absentmindedly as she grabbed a tank of gas for the golf cart. "Doo doo doo, don't know what it's for… Doo doo doo, hopefully it's for fixin' the Cabo…"

The Cabo was a 1985 Dodge Magnum. It was pure white, it got twenty miles per gallon, it didn't have a radio, the brakes squealed, both turn signals were broken, the windows didn't come down all the way, the brights were like the second coming of Jesus Christ Almighty, and it always smelled like pot.

And it was all Pacifica's after high school.

Uncle Bud had promised both her and Gideon cars if they graduated with honors, and they both intended to make good on their promises. Naturally, Gideon didn't have to try at all, but Pacifica, in her own mind, thought that she had the IQ of a sheep, and worked her neon-clad butt off to get all As. So far, she was successful, but not as successful as Gideon.

"Nerd," she said to herself, rolling her eyes and smiling. He probably hadn't budged from his desk with the journal. Either that, or he was doing more homework. Paz hadn't started on her summer reading list, and didn't intend to anytime soon. It was her one break off a year, and she was going to enjoy it, darn it!

She pushed the cart up to the self-checkout and started scanning things herself. Paz liked self-checkout more than anything. It gave her a sense of control over the situation.

After all, in Gravity Falls, you could never _really_ be in control.

Her shoulder twinged and she winced as she felt the bandages underneath her sweater. Paz had been gouged there about a week and a half ago by the unicorn who said she was "impure", whatever THAT meant. What was his name again?

"Prince something, I think," she said out loud to herself, mostly to keep her mind occupied as she scanned items on autopilot. "Prince… Tuckathonamon? No, that wasn't it. Prince… Jeffina? Nope, that was the gnome."

Paz reached for the next item, only to grab thin air. As she swiped the card and walked out with the stuff, she kept thinking. "Prince Giffery? Nope, killer computer. Prince… Hair Gel?" She stopped dead in her tracks. "I forgot the hair gel!" She looked around desperately. "Excuse me, sir?"

The man in a suit who she pointed to looked up from his phone, surprise on his face. "Yes?"

"Can you please watch my cart for a minute or two? I need to run inside and grab something."

"Um - yes, of course."

"Thank you so much! Also, I love your tie!"

The man looked down in surprise. It was a simple white tie with blue pine tree silhouettes adorning it. "Why, thank you," he said proudly. "My daughter bought it for me."

"That is so sweet!" Paz gushed. "Anyway, I'll only be a minute, thank you!" She darted inside, leaving the man chuckling.

As she weaved between the aisles, trying to decide between _Hair Gel For Manly Men_ and _Manly Hair Gel For Men,_ she heard a faint, "Can we go now?" from the other side of the shelf. She peered through and saw a big dude and a skinny dude. The skinny dude had about three packs of Caimanade in his arms and was trying to not drop them.

"Dude, you try lifting all of these," the skinny one grunted.

"Nah, you look like you got it," the fat one said, not looking up from his phone. "I'll just supervision."

"You mean supervise."

"Sure, whatever."

Pacifica read the labels on the Caimanade. "Glacier Freeze, Fire Cherry, Pain Rain," she read to herself. "Sounds like something from Gideon's Dungeons, Dungeons and More Dungeons game."

"Er, you know we can hear you, right?" the skinny one said, trying not to laugh. "You're not particularly quiet."

The fat one wasn't amused. He put his eyes up to the other side of the shelf, directly across from Paz, and glowered. "What are _you_ staring at?" he demanded.

"Uh, nothing," she stammered.

"Tyler, lay off," the skinny dude chastised the fat one, looking as if he wanted to drop the Caimanade and pull him away.

"Jacob, for once in your life, shut the fuck up." Pacifica winced at the language and imagined the soap in her mouth if she had ever said that in front of her parents or Uncle Bud.

"Actually," Paz felt her mouth say, "I _was_ looking at something. I just thought it was strange that the Gravity Falls Zoo just let their gorilla wander around during the day."

Stupid mouth.

Jacob gaped at her, then dropped the Caimanade with a thud and yelled, "9-1-1, I've just witnessed a murder!"

Tyler turned red and roared. He tried reaching through the shelf at her, but Pacifica backed up and bolted. She ran to the checkout line, threw five dollars at the wide-eyed cashier, and ignored the security alarms as she ran out to the cart, which was still there, along with the man in the suit. "THANKS FOR WATCHING THIS TELL YOUR DAUGHTER I SAID HELLO TELL ME WHERE TO GET THAT TIE _BYEEEEE!_ " she yelled in one breath as she pushed the cart past the golf cart. She made a beeline for the hill, and then hopped onto the cart as it rolled downhill. She risked a look backward and saw Tyler and Jacob at the top. Tyler was waving his fists and yelling while Jacob rolled on the ground laughing.

Paz blew a kiss towards them, then said, "And I've stopped rolling. Why have I stopped rolling?" She had reached the bottom of the hill. Hopping off, she looked up again and saw, to her terror, Tyler running down the hill with Jacob following.

"Oh, sparkles!" she swore, and ran, pushing the cart. Running through downtown Gravity Falls, she made a hard left turn and found herself in a dead-end alleyway. Some garbage cans were on the sides of the alleyway.

"Now what?" she asked herself desperately. She looked up. "Not completely dead end," she said, hope in her voice. The wall at the other end of the alleyway was about ten feet tall, with free sky on top of it.

Studying for so much math paid off. "Ten foot wall, three foot trash cans, five-seven me…" She grinned deviously. "I like these odds."

She let go of the cart and looked at how close Tyler was. Pacifica had time. She looked him dead in the eye, grinned mischievously, and disappeared back into the alley with a running start. She jumped up onto the trash can, then leaped to the wall and grabbed the edge of it by her fingertips. She quickly pulled herself over the wall and landed on the other side with a thud and a crack.

Crack?

Paz groaned in disgust with herself and held up her phone. It had an enormous crack running down the screen.

"Stupid, stupid," she told herself. "They won't pay for a new one."

On the other side of the wall, the two had finally arrived, and Tyler swore. "The hell? Where'd that little bitch go?"

"Dude, don't call people bitches," Jacob told him off.

"Stop being a bitch. There's her cart. Did she disappear?"

"I don't know. She might have used parkour to run off that trashcan over that wall." There was a beat, and the two started laughing. "That's a little far-fetched," Jacob admitted.

"Alright, Jacob, let's go to the gym." Paz could hear the menace in Tyler's voice. "I need to hit someone."

"Would not want to be that sucker," Pacifica said as they walked off, cringing in sympathy.

At least she hadn't run into the most dangerous person in town yet. While Tyler looked mad and could probably punch a hole through her face, he was at least slow and weaponless. The same couldn't be said for-

"Well, well, well," a voice behind her drawled. "Lookit what we got here."

Speak of the devil, and she shall appear.

Paz turned around, and standing behind her was Wendy Corduroy, grinning smugly. Surrounding her was her group of lackeys. Pacifica tried to remember their names, but the only one coming to mind was Tambry, the one with pink hair and the phone addiction.

"It's little old Blondie!" Wendy shouted. "I think she's lost, guys! And what do we do to lost little girly-girls?"

"We smash their skulls in!" one guy yelled. His yellow, stained polo shirt strained around his enormous stomach.

"What?" Wendy dropped the sadistic grin for the first time and frowned at him. "Thompson, chill out. Jesus Christ. We're not monsters. We're just gonna rough her up a bit, ruin her sweater."

"Dude, why are you like this?" the tall, skinny blonde guy asked.

"Hands off my sweater!" Pacifica shouted, trying to scare them off.

Naturally, it failed. "Oh, that sweater is hitting the floor," Tambry sneered, then paused. "That didn't come out right."

"Even if we have to cut it off of you," Wendy said sinisterly, and pushed the bottom of her black flannel shirt aside to reveal her weapon.

An axe. Its edge glinted sinisterly in the late-morning light.

Thompson yelled, "Okay, time out. Why is it that when I suggest something violent, you all yell, 'No Thompson, we can't do that', but when _she_ pulls a fuckin' axe on a twelve-year-old, you all are perfectly fine with it? That's just unfair."

"Dude, does it matter?" the short guy in the baseball cap said.

"Yes, Nate, it does!" Thompson complained. "It's-it's-it's ginger favoritism is what it is!"

The other four stared at him for a second, then burst out laughing. "That's your excuse?" the tall skinny one panted.

"Yes!" Thompson turned red in the face as he realized how stupid he sounded. "It's, uh, because gingers don't have souls! And so everyone is their favorites because- HEY! SHE'S GETTIN' AWAY!"

"Sparkles," Paz swore under her breath as she stopped edging along the alley wall. She broke into a sprint, but Tambry grabbed the back of her sweater. With a rip, it tore away in her hands, and Pacifica tried to make her getaway. The only thing standing between her and sweet freedom was Thompson.

Too easy.

Paz whooped like a crazy person and jumped in the air. She turned sideways, and her feet landed in Thompson's stomach in a dropkick worthy of the greatest WWE gods. With a gasp, he toppled backwards, so Paz was standing on top of his stomach. She stepped on his face and leaped off, running back to the grocery store. Behind her she heard, "Oh my god, she just got your ass!" from Wendy's gang.

As she got back to the store, Paz looked around and sighed in relief. Tyler and Jacob had gone to the gym, and the man with the suit was still there.

"Are you okay?" he asked, gaping at her. "You always seem to be running from someone."

"Yes, sir, I'm fine, thanks," Pacifica replied. She felt the back of her sweater and felt nothing. "They broke my sweater!"

The man winced. "Nothing I can do about that. Can you sew it back up?"

"Yeah. I should get home." She boarded the golf cart and started it up. She waved goodbye to the man and took off down the hill, blaring her classic rock music. As Pacifica drove away, an SUV pulled up, and the man in the suit got into the shotgun seat. He kissed the woman driving on the cheek.

"Hi, honey," he greeted.

"Who was that, dear?" the woman asked.

"I have no idea, but she was a bit… different."

"Well, Tad, sometimes different is what we need in this town, isn't it?"

"In this town, yes. But not this family."

"You did buy the bread, right?"

"But of course, my dear."

"Oh, thank you, Tad. You are such a good man."

As the car pulled away, the vanity plate reading STR4NGE glinted in the sunlight.

-

It was the early afternoon when Paz pulled up to the Mystery Shack and Motor Repair, dragging the shopping cart behind the golf cart with bungee cords. As she unhooked the cart, she yelled, "I'm home!"

The garage door slowly opened, and Melody stepped out, her forehead glistening with sweat and grease. "Hey there, stranger!"

"Hi, Melody!" Pacifica pushed the cart toward the front door. "I accidentally stole another cart."

Melody sighed, unsurprised. "I'll put it with the others when we finish unpacking. But first," she smiled, "someone's happy to see you." She opened the front door and out came Waddles, squealing with joy.

"Oh my gosh, Waddles!" Paz exclaimed, and then the pig knocked her on her butt and started licking her face. "I know, I know, I love you and I missed you and I FORGOT TO BUY PIG FOOD!" She smacked herself on the forehead. "Stupid, stupid!"

"It's okay," Melody consoled. "We'll get it on our way back from monster hunting."

"Oh, right!" Paz brightened as she stood up, tucking Waddles under her arm. "I totally forgot!"

"You forgot about hunting the most adorable thing in the forest?" Melody lifted an eyebrow. "That's not like you."

"Yeah, well, I was getting hunted by the two least adorable things in the town. Wendy Corduroy and some dude named Tyler."

Melody paled. "Tyler? Big dude, strong, slow, kinda dumb?"

"Really dumb."

"That sounds like Tyler Plinketts. I knew him from middle school. He got held back about three times. That makes him, what, a senior in high school now?"

"Yeah, he looked like he was about that age. He was with another kid, tall and skinny. Jacob, I think."

"Oh, right," Melody's face turned into a soft frown. "The _boyfriend_."

"Oh. Are they…?" Pacifica held out her index finger on both hands and touched the tips together. Man, her gaydar really was off.

"No, but they might as well be. Jacob is a good guy, really, but for some reason he keeps hanging out with Tyler."

"Well, there's got to be some way to beat Tyler, right? Some secret of his?" Paz had learned long ago that everyone had secrets, and that was the best way to beat them.

"I'm sure he does. An embarrassing middle name. Weird fetish. Third nipple. Something like that. Those a-holes always do."

"Pfft," Paz giggled. "Third nipple. That's ridiculous."

"Anyway, I think Gideon's asleep at his desk. You might wanna go wake him up."

Paz groaned. "That boy sleeps like a rock."

Melody grinned and pulled an air horn out of nowhere. "You know what to do."

With a gasp, Pacifica dropped Waddles, grabbed it and ran into the house.

Robbie Valentino walked up after her, adjusting her glasses. "Hey, Mel. Where'd Paz run off to?"

"Hey Robbie. Give it a few seconds…"

There was a loud _HONK_ , followed by distant shrieking and laughter. The front door slammed open, and Pacifica ran out, cackling and waving the air horn around. Gideon followed, with only a shirt and a pair of boxers on, chasing her and yelling.

They ran in circles for a few seconds, then Pacifica noticed Robbie and stopped running, staring at him. Gideon ran into her back and fell down. Waddles immediately jumped to action and sat on top of him, licking him like Pacifica had taught him to.

"Hey, Robbie," Paz said shyly. She was still trying to get over her crush on him. But at least Waddles was there to bail her out of awkwardness.

"Good pig!" she told him as she picked him off of Gideon and hugged him.

"'Good pig,' my butt," Gideon groaned as Melody helped him off the ground. "We're not taking that thing with us, right?"

"No, we don't want another dinosaur incident," Melody replied. "Dino-Girls was fun, but I am not trying to do it again."

Pacifica decided not to tell her that she had accidentally set the custom T-shirt that Melody made for them on fire a few weeks ago.

"Those things are still alive?" Robbie asked in mild horror. "I thought that you said you killed them all?"

"Nah, Bud just punched one in the face," Pacifica said, smiling at the memory.

"It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," Gideon added.

"Didn't Crazy Lazy Susan get eaten?" Melody said.

"She escaped!" Paz frowned. "I think."

"Moving on!" Gideon opened the journal. "It says that the Corgon can be found in Bonecrusher Woods."

"Who names these things?" Pacifica asked. "Bonecrusher Woods, the Lake of Doom, the Mountains of Agonizing Pain."

"To be fair," Gideon pointed out, "most of the names are pretty accurate. I'd rather not go into the Bonecrusher Woods, but if it was called the Forest Of Sparkles and Rainbows, then I'd go in there and get eaten by gnomes because it sounds super harmless and gnomes are not super harmless."

"Gnomes don't eat people."

"They bathe in squirrels, I don't want to know what else they do. So - Bonecrusher Woods, it can be baited out by the scent of cottage cheese, and they're super dangerous. Let's go for a ride!"

The other three cheered.

Paz ran to the golf cart and tried to start it up. With a sputter, it started up, then backfired. Smoke poured out from the hood.

"Let's go for a walk!" Pacifica shouted.

The other three cheered again.

-

In the garage, Bud slid out from underneath a car and sniffed the air. "My insurance senses are tingling. Is something on fire?" he asked himself.

-

"Oh my gosh, whose houses are these?" Pacifica gasped as she looked around.

"Welcome to the rich part of Gravity Falls," Gideon told her. "Home to the snottiest of snotty people."

"If they're so snotty, get them a tissue," Robbie joked awkwardly.

While Melody and Gideon booed him, Paz looked around in wonder. She hadn't seen any houses like this since she came here. They were enormous, at least three stories each. They were also very-

"Why are they all blue?" she asked.

Melody looked around. "You know, I've never figured that out," she replied. "Just about everything in this town seems to be blue and gray."

Pacifica had noticed that, and was dismayed when she first arrived. She naturally got out her pink sweaters and tried to change that. She found another blue-and-gray canvas to spread her colors on.

Colors later. Doggy monster now.

A cartoon played on the TV inside the biggest house - Duck-Tective. Paz watched that show regularly. It was just like her life! ...in a way.

The house was three stories and baby-blue. It was big and blue. Therefore, Pacifica decided to call it…

Big Blue.

Wow, she was _amazing_ at nicknames.

"Who lives in that one?" she asked Gideon, who looked up from his journal.

"You remember that magician group me and Bud took you to the first week you got here? The Pines Family?" he replied. Paz nodded. "That's their house."

"Huh. I didn't figure them to be this rich."

"They're the most powerful people in the Falls, of course they're rich."

Pacifica stopped walking. "How are a bunch of stage conmen the most powerful people in Gravity Falls?"

"Well," Gideon began, "they're one of the most popular shows in the world. People come from China and those places to watch them. They single-handedly fund all of Gravity Falls. Second, they know everyone and everything. And everyone owes them something."

"Everyone? Even Uncle Bud?"

"Especially Uncle Bud. I have no idea what he needed, but he owes the Pines something big."

"I'm sure that won't be a major plot point later on," Robbie called over.

"What?"

"Nothing." Robbie gestured toward the woods. "Are we gonna kill this thing or what?"

Gideon said, "We're not killing it. We're just studying it for a bit."

Paz snorted. "Right. Studying it until it finds us and we have run away."

"Look on the bright side," Melody offered. "At least it probably doesn't want to marry Gideon like the gnomes."

"Ugh," Gideon groaned while Pacifica giggled. "Don't remind me."

"You still owe Jeffina a phone call," Paz reminded him.

"Yeah, and she owes me a new pair of pants after Shmebulock peed all over it," Gideon grumbled.

"Hey!" Robbie called. "Woods. Corgi. Science."

"Okay, we're coming." Pacifica noticed the fence between houses - the only thing between them and the woods. "I nominate Gideon to go first. Everyone in agreement, say aye."

Melody and Robbie said, "Aye."

"You guys suck," Gideon groused, and slowly began the climb. He hoisted himself over the top, jumped off, and began yelling when his vest caught on one of the top rungs. Robbie chuckled. Paz rolled on the ground, cackling. "Will someone get me off of this?!" Gideon yelled.

"Oh my gosh, Gideon!" Melody cried out in concern. "Are you okay?!" She climbed up next to him and managed to unhook. Gideon went crashing to the ground and grunted in pain. The journal went flying out, and Gideon quickly put it back in his vest.

How does he put that in there? Paz thought for a few seconds. Are the inside pockets that big?

"Thanks, Melody," Gideon said, wincing as he stood back up. Melody stood by him on the other side of the fence.

"There must be an easier way to do this," Robbie told them nervously. "Seriously, there must be a gate or something-"

"JUST DO IT!" Melody and Gideon yelled.

"Okay, fine!" Robbie began to climb. "Am I at the top yet?" he called out in fear.

"You haven't even left the ground." Gideon grinned.

"It's like seven feet, it's easy!" Pacifica told him. She looked around her and noticed another pair of eyes watching her. From the window with Duck-Tective playing, somebody watched the group with interest.

Might as well give the dude a show. She slowly started to back up.

Melody noticed. "Pacifica, what did I tell you about jumping over things taller than you?"

Pacifica's grin widened. "That I look _amazing_ while doing it?" With that, she bolted forward and leapt up, turning upside down in a flip. She grabbed the top of the bar and pulled herself into a handstand. She stayed there for a few seconds, looking at Melody with a cocky gleam in her eye, and then jumped off with a flourish. She landed on her feet next to Gideon.

"Show off," he grumbled. She stuck her tongue out at him playfully.

"OHMYGODTHEFENCEISSHAKINGISITABIRDGETITOFF!" Robbie screamed.

Paz had totally forgotten about him. "He's still on that? We will leave your nerdy butt here!"

"You better not!" Robbie finally pulled himself over the top and landed on his back. Gideon helped him up.

"I don't get it. We ask if you want to hunt monsters in the woods, you say sure. We ask you to climb a fence, you wimp out." Gideon shrugged.

Robbie snapped, "No, you asked if I wanted to _watch_ you guys hunt monsters. I don't feel much like hunting monsters after the shapeshifter made me watch as Paz killed me."

An icy shiver ran down Pacifica's spine. She ignored it and simply said, "Don't mention the shapeshifter."

Robbie went paler than usual. "Uh. Right. My bad."

Melody tried to change the subject. "Right, then! Let's go take care of some monsters!"

Paz and Gideon whooped and took off towards the woods.

-

An hour and a half later, the novelty of the woods wore off, and Paz was tired.

As they walked along the trail, she absentmindedly swatted another mosquito. If they kept this up, she was gonna look like an empty Kool-Aid pouch. At least they weren't biting her skin in a pattern, like they did with Gideon and his… unique patchwork.

"Hey Gideon!" Robbie yelled from behind them. "Have the mosquitos bitten another dick into your arm?"

"No," Gideon sighed. "Not yet."

Yet again, the strange maraca noise echoed behind her. Paz whipped her head around, but saw nothing and got her long blonde hair stick in a branch.

"Oh, come on," she whined as she untangled it. Paz put it into a ponytail. "Gideon, how far away is this thing?"

"It's about another half-mile or so!" Gideon answered, and then they came to a clearing.

"You sure about that half-mile?" Pacifica deadpanned as they looked around.

It was very bright. The sun came down on them and reflected off of the unnaturally shiny grass. There was a rainbow that came from nowhere, and when Paz strained her ears, she heard a heavenly choir.

She was immediately suspicious.

"Eyes up," Gideon warned. "The Corgon may be adorable, but it's very dangerous." They hid behind a fallen tree, and Pacifica tried not to think about what knocked it over.

"It's a corgi that fights with farts," Melody said lightly, with a cautious grin on her face. She sounded like she was trying to convince herself more than anything. "How dangerous can it be?"

A rock on the other side of the clearing suddenly let out an earsplittingly adorable sneeze.

"Oh my god," Melody said in awe.

"That's bigger than I expected," Gideon said mildly.

"So. Fluffy." Paz was about to go into shock at the cuteness of this thing.

It meandered in their direction, every step causing a small tremor. It was the size of an elephant. Its enormous tongue lolled out of its mouth and it seemed to be smiling as most dogs do.

Pacifica, Melody and Gideon gasped softly in amazement. Only Robbie seemed unaffected by the pure cuteness of this abomination. "Guys," he whispered sharply. "We see it. Can we go now?"

It sneezed again and sat down on its gigantic hindquarters. It started scratching at its nose, then yawned.

"Oh my GOD!" Paz squealed, and it heard her. "Oops."

With a bark, it sprinted to where they were hiding. Screaming, they scattered - Robbie and Paz ran to the right, and Gideon and Melody bailed to the left.

With a crunch, the Corgon stepped on the tree and crushed it into splinters. It howled, and Paz got a nice look at its enormous teeth.

"This is your fault!" Robbie yelped in fear as they sprinted towards the middle of the clearing.

"I know, Robbie!" she snapped. She jumped towards a low-hanging branch and swung herself up to the top. Robbie kept running, and Paz looked over her shoulder to see the Corgon wreaking havoc. It howled again, and flames flew from its mouth. It set the grass behind Melody on fire. She yelped and rolled away.

Paz spotted Gideon slowly creeping towards the Corgon. He held a bunch of shiny stones in his hand. With a yell, he charged towards the Corgon. Instead of turning him into a plate of extra-crispy chicken nuggets (with added hair-gel flavoring), the abomination simply turned around and passed gas.

A mushroom cloud of sparkles burst out of its rear end and covered Gideon. He fell to the ground without a noise.

"G!" Paz screamed. It got the Corgon's attention, and it bared its teeth and sprinted over to her. She climbed the tree higher, just as the monster grabbed the branch she had been standing on and ripped it off violently. Pacifica saw Melody and Robbie grab Gideon and drag him into the dark forest.

With a snarl, the Corgon inhaled. Before it could fry her, Pacifica did the dumbest thing she had done in her already-dumb life.

She yelled like a berserker and leaped off the tree onto the Corgon's back.

As the Corgon thrashed and she held on for dear life, screaming, the only thing that went through her mind was _Well, at least I'll die doing what I love - holding on to something fluffy._

"Hey, you big furry asshole!" a voice below Paz yelled. Paz looked, and lo and behold, Robbie stood, knees shaking, with one of Gideon's stones in his hand. "Suck on this!" Robbie threw it, and it popped the Corgon on the nose. It stopped thrashing. Its eyes rolled back into its head, and he fell over.

Paz landed on the ground and bounced. She groaned in pain. Then she sat up. "Gideon!" Pacifica sprinted over to Gideon and knelt next to him. He was almost comatose. His arm was pale and unhealthy, and Paz saw a lot of blood from a cut. She took off her sweater and wrapped it around his arm.

"Is he gonna be okay?" she asked Melody, who shrugged helplessly.

"I don't know," she answered. "But someone needs to go get help, and fast."

"I'll go," Paz volunteered. "I got us into this mess."

"Uh," Robbie interrupted, "actually, Gideon did-"

"Robbie, this is not the time!"

"You still haven't thanked me," Robbie said smugly.

 _God, why did I have a crush on this idiot?_ "Thanks for the save. Now, I am going to go save my cousin."

"We came in from that way," Melody told her, and pointed toward the splintered log. "Go grab some help there."

"Okay, good luck! Get him back ASAP!"

Paz bolted toward the log and disappeared into the woods.

Melody turned toward Robbie and gave him the stink-eye. "Why are you such an asshole?"

"What?" Robbie said defensively. "I just wanted a thank-you."

"Her cousin is in a coma, about to die! She just tried starting a rodeo with a monster! This is not the time."

"Okay," Robbie whined, " _Sorry_."

The Corgon snorted in its sleep, and the two of them decided to grab Gideon and bail.

-

Paz sprinted through the woods, about a mile and half from the neighborhood. The return trip was much faster without the other three. The maracas rang again, and Paz almost saw a black shape behind her, but she had bigger issues.

As she sprinted, her mind flashed back to all the things that Bud had said to her over the past few weeks.

_You are never truly in control in Gravity Falls._

_There's always someone bigger._

_You might think you're dangerous, but to the beasts, you're a snack._

Uncle Bud was always a source of hope.

With that, Paz ran facefirst into a spiderweb.

"AW, COME ON!"

-

She finally got to the neighborhood, sweaty and dishevelled. She ran up to the fence and realized her legs were too dead to jump it, so Paz began the climb. She landed on her leg wrong, and bit her lip to stop from crying out in pain.

Pacifica looked around desperately. The only house with the lights on the inside still on was Big Blue. Her mind raced. Hadn't Gideon said that the two magic kids lived here? What good could they do? They were the only option.

She limped up to their door and rang the bell. There was muffled yelling inside, including something like, "I'll get it!" and "Jehovah's Witnesses!" Paz desperately rang the doorbell, and then the door swung open.

The boy at the door towered over her, making her feel small. His hair was swept back to reveal a few oddly-patterned zits. It looked like they were in the shape of some constellation that Paz couldn't remember. His bright pink sweatshirt threw her off her game.

The boy looked at her coolly and raised a single eyebrow over an ice-blue eye. Before he say anything, Pacifica felt the pain in her leg catch up to her and she said only one thing.

"We need your help," she panted. "My cousin… I think he's dying."


	3. Doc

_Doctor doctor, give me the news_

_I got a b_ _ad case of loving you_

-"Bad Case Of Loving You"

Robert Palmer

 

Dipper Pines was not expecting to see a pretty girl at his door. He was not expecting her to say that someone was dying. And he definitely was not expecting her to pass out.

She slumped forward onto him, and he caught her. Her face went directly into his chest, and he awkwardly hugged her for a moment. "Well, this is new," he deadpanned to himself, and picked her up, pressing her to his body and trying not to think about it. With a grunt, he hoisted her onto the couch, face-up. Dipper checked her pulse and sighed in relief. The girl wasn't dead.

Will Cipher appeared beside him in a cloud of blue smoke and glanced down. "Master Pines?" he said questioningly.

"Will," he replied, "I don't even know. Go get the first-aid kit and a bucket of water."

"Is she alive, Master Pines?"

"For now."

Will disappeared, and Dipper started analyzing her body. "I swear, I'm not a pervert," he sighed to himself as he looked for bruises and scars. There was a minor cut on the side of her face, and a few scratches on her arms. But the biggest injury was her broken leg. Dipper winced as he looked at it. It had been a miracle she had been able to drag herself to the door.

Dipper spread his hands out over the leg. "I shouldn't do this," he told himself. "I should just call a hospital." Hospitals = Ambulances. Ambulances = Attention.

 _Don't make a scene,_ he thought. _Stan's #1 rule. Don't make a scene_.

"Is it too late to go back to Duck-Tective?" he asked himself sardonically, and then closed his eyes and spread his hands over her leg.

Blue powder appeared from nowhere and spread over the break, fading as soon as it touched her skin. Her leg seemed to mend itself on the couch. The girl's breathing stopped being ragged and turned into a slower, more normal pace. A smile spread on her lips as she slumbered.

"Well, that should make her leg better." Dipper started pondering what to do next. "I mean, I guess I could just put her back on the porch. Ooh, or the neighbor's porch. That'll teach him to stop letting his dog poop on my lawn." As he thought, he paced the living room. "Ah, crap. Ford said…"

 _Hell with Ford_ , a voice inside of him piped up. _Old prick. Help her._

"I want to help her, but I don't want Ford to feed me to his demonic gerbil," Dipper argued.

 _Can you handle the weight?_ the voice warned. _Can you handle letting a death happen when you could stop it?_

"Yes." Dipper was hesitant. He honestly didn't know that he was lying to himself.

_You are a monster._

"Yup."

The voice said no more.

"Okay, where'd I put it?" He patted himself down, then left the girl on the couch and ran to Mabel's room. "Mabel!"

Mabel looked up from her phone and turned down her music. "What?" she asked impatiently.

"Where'd I leave the memory gun?"

"Why do you need it?" she asked, eyes narrowing.

"Uh." For some reason, Dipper really didn't want her to know about their visitor on the couch. "Stan's walking around naked. I need to get that out of my head immediately."

Mabel wrinkled her nose. "Oh. Ew. It's in Ford's Chateau de Creepy Old Man. Aw, man, now it's in my head! This is your fault!"

"Thanks, Mabel. Good luck getting that outta your head!"

As Dipper walked down the hall, he heard Mabel yell, "I call seconds!" after him.

He passed by the girl on the couch and saw that she was still sleeping. "She could give Stan a run for his money," he said to himself. "Will!"

The blue man appeared next to him. "Yes, Master Pines?" He looked over at the couch. "Sir, did you perhaps give her a dose of horse tranquilizer?"

"Uh, no. Wait, we have horse tranquilizer?" He sighed. "Of course we have horse tranquilizer. Look, I need a favor."

"And I thought I was called here for a nice conversation," Will said, totally deadpan.

"First of all, roll back the attitude. Secondly, I need the memory gun from Ford's workshop. Go grab that for me."

"I assume it's for your uncle's security plan."

"Bingo."

"Alas, sir, I cannot."

"What do you mean?"

"Ford has prepared multiple traps down there. If I go, I won't be able to leave. And then who will make you sandwiches?"

"I'd make my own sandwiches."

"Sir."

"Okay, fine. Then go do something useful. Like barricade Mabel's door."

"I assume that you don't want her to get jealous of the other woman in your life, now that she's entered it?"

"Will, I don't even know Sleeping Beauty's name."

"That's what they all say. I'll go and block her door."

"Thank you."

With that, Will vanished. "That was tedious," Dipper said to himself, and walked towards the basement after shooting one last glance at the girl. She was cute when she slept, with her eyes scrunched up with smile lines on her face, like she was having a fantastic dream.

As the elevator silently opened, Dipper peered around. Ford was on the other side of the lab, tinkering with something. Dipper silently crept to the nearest workbench, labeled _FORD'S BENCH - DO NOT TOUCH_. He opened the top shelf and closed it immediately before the thing with the tentacles could escape.

"Ford, what the hell," he muttered. How did that thing survive without oxygen or food or anything? Why was Ford keeping his experiments in his desk?

Dipper pressed on. He opened the next few shelves and found a skull, a golf ball with a stupid-looking Dutch hat on, a stash of Pitt Cola and crappy Halloween candy that they sold year-round in the nearest Penny Shop ("Where everything costs a penny except the ones that don't!" Spoiler alert, nothing cost a penny). He opened the fourth drawer and found a simple test tube with clear water inside with a tape label that said POTION FOR IMMORTALITY.

Dipper held it up high… and promptly stuck it back in the shelf, mentally reminding himself to tell Stan where it was so he could con the next people who showed up at the gift shop on their next show. It was simply water that Stan claimed had his "secret ingredient" in it. Dipper had tasted it once. It had a trace of cinnamon in it. Not bad.

On the fifth shelf, he found what he was looking for - the memory gun. The glass was dusty, but Dipper could make out a few words, written in Sharpie.

 **DO NOT TOUCH, HIGHLY DANGEROUS** , it read. He stuck it in his back pocket and turned to silently leave… and then the damn Hampire squeaked in its cage.

"Shit," Dipper swore quietly.

Across the workshop, Ford sat up straight. "Well, hello there. Nice to see you here…" he paused, and then whipped his head around dramatically. "DIPPER!"

He saw nothing.

The mad scientist deflated in disappointment. "Drat. I wasted an excellent dramatic moment. Stan would be so proud of my acting abilities." He turned to the rodent, who was currently hanging off the bars to the cage, gnawing frantically on the metal. "I thought you were supposed to tell me when he was here so I could surprise him."

The rodent squeaked again.

"Oh, don't give me that. This was our moment, and you ruined it."

Squeak.

As the scientist and the overgrown rat argued with each other, Dipper stood up from his hiding spot behind the workbench and silently crept back to the elevator door. He made eye contact with the Hampire and gave it the double bird. Its eyes turned red, and Dipper decided that was his cue to get the actual fuck out before it ripped the bars of the cage off and came at him for seconds.

As the elevator door soundlessly closed, Dipper heard Ford indignantly say, "What do you mean, my acting is 'a little flat'?!"

Dipper reflected on his day. First, he won a fight against a guy with about two hundred pounds on him. He had beheaded a fire Bigfoot. He had a nightmare with a dream demon from Sideways (whatever that meant). And now there was a cute girl asleep on his couch with a broken leg, a vampiric guinea pig after his blood, and a blue butler distracting his sister so she didn't kill anyone.

And now his uncle was attempting to speak rodent.

This day was getting more interesting by the minute.

"Master Pines!" Will whispered as Dipper walked out of the elevator door and into the living room. "I think that she's been trapped successfully!"

"Good job. What'd you do?"

"I very quietly nailed a few wooden boards across her door! She won't be getting out!"

"How, exactly, are you planning on getting rid of the boards when we're done here?"

Will's satisfied grin faltered. "Oh dear."

"Worry about it later." Dipper entered a few words on the keypad on the memory gun and hefted it. "Time to forget."

As he walked into the living room, Will was on his heels. "You know," he said, "she probably hasn't seen anything. We could just carry her somewhere else."

"She's seen the inside of the house. I can either do this or I can let Ford find her and completely flip out over the fact that there's someone not related to him in the house."

"Sir, I still believe that-"

"Look, Will, just go away and let me do this, okay?!" Dipper finally was starting to get frustrated.

Will simply looked down and vanished with a soft _poof_.

"And now I've hurt his feelings," Dipper groaned. "This day gets better and better. Okay then, new girl, your turn." He pointed the gun at the girl's head and rested his finger on the trigger.

 _Stop._ The voice in his head was back. _You are not a monster_.

"If you're my conscience, you're kind of a bitch," Dipper complained to himself.

 _Someone will die_ , the voice snarled. _You will not let that happen._

"I can do what I want. I'm the most powerful. Who can stop me?"

_No one can stop you. Except for yourself. You are better than this._

Dipper thought about it again. "Maybe I am. Maybe I will be better." He leveled the gun at her again, trying to ignoring the gnawing in his gut. "But not today."

The girl's eyes fluttered open, revealing brilliant green eyes. She giggled, said, "Boop!" and lightly touched his nose with a finger. Dipper stared at her and moved the gun away.

"What."

Then the girl's eyes widened as she woke up, and she screamed and punched him in the face.

Dipper staggered backwards, cupping his hands over his nose and dropping the gun. The girl, still yelling, rolled off of the couch and put her fists up, looking for a fight. She didn't find one.

Dipper held up his hands, now covered with his own blood. "Whoah whoah whoah!" he yelled, his voice nasal. "Whad id it wif beoble hidding my node?!" he complained as he grabbed a tissue from the box nearby and wiped his nose. It wasn't broken, he concurred, but it was probably going to swell up unless he treated it.

He flicked his nose with his finger and grimaced from the pain. Blue powder went up his nostrils, and Dipper detected a scent of Fruit Loops. With a cracking noise, his nose went back to normal size and he could breathe from it again.

"Where the heck am I?!" the girl yelled, looking around frantically. "Where's my cousin?!" She, apparently, had the observational skills of Ford without glasses and hadn't noticed Dipper's magic.

"Relax, Rocky," Dipper told her. "You're in my house."

"How did I get in here?"

"You passed out on my porch. Did you think I was gonna let you stay out there?"

"Yes!"

Dipper decided not to tell her that he was about to. "Look, you said something about your cousin dying?"

Her eyes flashed in terror. "Gideon!"

Dipper wrinkled his nose in distaste. "That little fungus?"

The girl's eyes blazed. "Hey! That's my cousin!"

"Wait wait wait," Dipper halted her, holding up his hands. "Gideon Gleeful? Yea high, blue vest, kinda pudgy, ridiculous hair? _That_ is related to… _that_?" He gestured at the beautiful girl before him.

She crossed her arms defensively. "Do not talk about him like that!" she snapped.

"I'm not wrong!"

"Just because his hair is ridiculous-"

"HAH! You admit it!"

"-does not mean that you can insult him when he's not here to defend himself!"

"Look, Blondie-"

" _Blondie?!_ "

"Oh, let me guess," Dipper mocked sing-songingly. "It's not really blonde, is it?"

" _WHAT DID YOU SAY?!_ " she roared, and Dipper had time to vaguely think _Uh oh_ before she lunged at him. He dodged, and when she reached for his throat, he grabbed her wrists.

"Listen, Blondie," he said harshly, and she stopped and stared at him, wide-eyed. "I can either go with you to help your meatball of a cousin, or I can kick you out right here, and let him die. Which one would you rather happen?"

Blondie wrenched her wrists out of Dipper's grasp and backed up so quickly that she tripped over the couch. Dipper smirked - one that quickly disappeared when she popped back up on the other side, fear in her eyes. "How did you do that?" she asked, trembling.

"Do what?" Dipper was a bit confused.

"With your voice. Like there were a thousand voices."

"Oh. Uh…"

Suddenly, a voice yelled, "What is she doing in here?!" Stan had returned from… wherever he had gone to.

Relieved, Dipper turned to his would-be rescuer and immediately wished that he didn't have eyeballs. "Stan!" he groaned. "Where are your pants, old man?!"

"Hey, I put my nice underpants on!" Stan defended himself. They had purple hearts on them. Combined with his white, stained tank top and fez, he looked like Crazy Lazy Susan, and Dipper told him as much. "That is a fine lady!"

"She's like eighty!"

"I like older women."

" _You're_ eighty! That's not an older woman, that's an old woman the same age!"

"Um, hello?" Blondie waved.

Stan turned. "Hi there. Who are you?"

"My name is-"

"She's a Jehovah's Witness, and she's leaving," Dipper interrupted. "Come on, Blondie."

"Do _not_ call me Blondie," she threatened again. Dipper opened the door for her and gestured her out.

"Dipper, come here for a minute," Stan called. "Quick meeting in the kitchen."

"I'll be right out. Try not to die without me." Blondie stuck her tongue out at him. "What, Stan?"

"Look, kid," Stan said, putting a hand on Dipper's shoulder, "you're a teenager. I get it. You'll be seventeen in, what a month? Two months? As we get older, our bodies go through some awkward phases."

"No." Dipper's eyes widened in alarm. "NO."

"I know that she ain't a Jehovah's Witness because we haven't got any of those around here. All I'm saying is, just be gentle with her."

"She is not my girlfriend! I don't even know her name!"

Stan smiled wistfully. "That's what I said about my first girlfriend. I still never got her name."

"We are not having this conversation. I gotta go into the woods with her-"

"Sounds romantic."

"STAN!"

"Just having some fun, kid." He fished in his pocket and pulled out a key. "You know what this goes to, right?"

Dipper grinned. "Oh yeah. This'll be fun."

Then Stan handed him a little square packet that had the word Trojan on it, and Dipper decided it was time to leave.

He walked out to the front porch and shut the door on Stan, who was cackling with glee, and faced Blondie on the porch. She glared at him. "Okay, _Pines._ How do we save my cousin?"

"How do you know my name?"

"Saw your magic show when I first got here. Your acting was… questionable."

"Ouch," Dipper deadpanned. "Not sure how I'll recover from that one, Blondie. And I have no idea how to save your cousin. How was he injured?"

The girl was clearly trying to not punch him for calling her Blondie. "You wouldn't believe me."

"Bet."

" _Bet._ Tell me what you know."

Dipper smirked. "I know that everyone in this town is strange. I know that they're easy to manipulate. And I know that they have no idea about what's in the woods."

If Blondie was surprised, she didn't show it. "So you know about the wildlife?"

"Know all about it. Fought most of it."

"Me too. I've fought gnomes."

"Manotaurs."

"Vampires."

"Zombies. That I summoned."

"Mermen!"

"Clones!"

"Giants!"

"Werewolves!"

" _Actual_ wolves!"

"The Gobblewonker!"

"Hah!" Blondie whooped. "That doesn't exist! Crazy Susan built a robot!"

Dipper made a mental of the fact that he could feed the girl to the monster. "Fine, Blondie, you win. Point is, I know what's in the woods. What's killing your cousin?"

"Corgon farts," Blondie said. She was probably expecting Dipper to laugh.

Instead, all the color drained from his face. "We need to get to your cousin." He stepped off the porch and made his way to the fence to the backyard. Blondie jumped off and followed him. "So, Blondie-"

"I'll tell you my name if you ask."

"Nope. If I learn your name, that implies that I'll have to deal with you a lot, and I intend to ditch you as soon as possible."

"Feeling's mutual, butthead."

"Wow, you are good. Attacking my insecurities about my butt-shaped head? Just cruel."

The backyard was suspiciously clean. Green grass grew at the perfect height. A trampoline sat in the corner, a layer of dust collecting. It looked like your average backyard, except for one thing.

A dirt bike was propped against the fence. Actually, it wasn't a dirt bike, it was an off-road motorcycle. Red flame decals flew up the sides. The seat and wheels looked shiny and new. It was the pride and joy of Dipper's life. He washed it twice a week and took it out on every day off.

Once, he had asked the dude at the garage on the other side of the Falls about turbo boost, like from racing video games or the _Slow and Mildly Upset_ movies. The guy, who was Latino, about a hundred pounds overweight, and buck toothed chewed his chocolate bar. "I dunno, dude," he had replied. "I mean, maybe. But I can tell you that this bad boy needs an engine change ASAP as possible."

"Ramirez!" the chief engineer yelled from the depths of the garage. "Get your big ass over here and help me get rid of this damn possum!"

The mechanic had tipped his hat sagely. "My talents are needed elsewhere."

"So," Blondie said, bringing him back to the present. "That's a cute bike you've got there."

Dipper bristled. "Do not call my bike 'cute'!"

"With some pink streamers and a little basket on the front, we could make it even better."

Dipper ground his teeth. This girl was very pretty, very athletic, and _very_ annoying.

"Does it have a name?" she asked, and Dipper finally changed the subject.

"Look, just take the helmet and hop on." He handed her Mabel's rarely-used helmet, which was bright pink and sparkly. "Did you bring anything else with you? Weapons or anything?"

"Weapons?" Her eyes were blankly questioning.

"Wait a second. You went into the woods, which you knew were monster-infested, in short-shorts and a tank top, with no weapons?"

"Yup!" she replied cheerfully.

Dipper rubbed his temples. "Shocker. Okay, fine. Just stay close to me when we find your cousin."

"How are we getting there?" Realization dawned. "No, no, no. You can take the bike. I'll walk."

"You are not walking."

"Well, I ain't riding with you! I'm walking, and that's final!"

-

Five minutes later, Blondie was squeezing her eyes closed with her arms wrapped around Dipper's waist in a vice grip. She squealed as Dipper hit a fallen branch and went airborne.

Dipper would have been grinning, but then bugs would fly in his otherwise perfect teeth. When Blondie has told him that Gideon was in Proinsas Clearing, he was excited. Stan had made a path to there years ago, for reasons he had declined to tell Dipper, but he had always loved that place.

Although he was pretty sure that was where Mabel buried the bodies of people who annoyed her.

He popped a wheelie, and Blondie yelled again and squeezed around his stomach harder. Dipper was enjoying that, too, probably more than he should be.

She's a lot prettier when she's quiet, Dipper had decided.

Something silver flashed behind a tree, and Dipper just had time to duck before an arrow flew over his head and embedded itself in a tree. Dipper swore, and Blondie yelled again, something that sounded like "Language!"

Kids, when you're in the woods and an arrow comes out of nowhere and almost kills you, do not stop. Get away faster. Dipper, however, knew the arrow type and braked. Within seconds, they were surrounded.

"Why'd we stop?" Blondie whispered.

"Slight problem," he explained. "It's a horse."

"It better not be unicorns again," she grumbled as she looked up. Blondie quickly yanked her arms away from his stomach and glared at him. Dipper smirked.

"Not unicorns, but not much better. Keep your helmet on, this might get ugly." With that, Dipper yanked off his helmet and ran a hand through his hair.

"What are those?" Blondie breathed.

"Femtaurs," he responded grimly.

The top half of the monsters were of beautiful women. Their hair was long and wavy, their bodies were tan and muscular, and their faces were goddesses. To Dipper's relief, they had shirts on, which was a new development that Stan had showed them. Athletic tank tops, t-shirts - one Femtaur wore a hoodie that Dipper noted, with some annoyance, was the same as his.

The bottom half was that of mares, well-groomed and sparkling in the sunlight. Their hooves had no horseshoes - they viewed it as a sign of slavery - and their tails were all a beautiful golden color.

One Femtaur stepped up and thumped her golden spear against the ground. "Human Starboy of Gravity Falls," she commanded in a deafening voice. "You are not welcome in these woods."

As he approached certain death, the only thing that Dipper could say was, "Aw, fuck."


	4. Play With Fire

_So don't play with me_

_'Cause you're playin' with fire..._

-"Play With Fire"

The Rolling Stones

 

With a whoosh, the spear flew at Dipper. He ducked, but the spear snagged the hood of his hoodie and pinned it to the tree behind him. Blondie yelped. Dipper didn't. He rolled his eyes like he couldn't care less.

"Femtaur Katie of The Woods," Dipper said formally, then dropping it, "I could not care less." He gave Katie and the rest of the Femtaurs the death glare.

Most living beings, whether they knew of his power of not, would have taken a step or two backwards. Not Katie. She simply glowered down at him. "You do not intimidate me, _boy_."

"I can change that in the blink of an eye," Dipper growled.

Another Femtaur pointed her bow at Dipper's throat. The rest of the Femtaurs followed suit. "You will be dead before you try," Katie threatened.

"You're doing amazing!" Blondie called behind him sarcastically, her voice muffled by the motorcycle helmet.

"Shut up!" Dipper shouted back. "And keep your helmet on!"

"Why?!" she challenged.

"Time out," Dipper told Katie, who frowned.

"Saying 'time out' does you no favors."

"It's an honor system."

"There is no such thing as time outs in executions!"

Dipper nearly let his eyes bug out. _Execution?_ he thought. _Shit._

 _You're fucked now_ , the voice inside his head said.

_Yeah, no shit. Gonna have to talk fast._

_Or you could unleash some magic._

He promptly ignored that last selection and said, "Then can this be a last request?"

The Femtaurs huddled up, reminding Dipper of a group of homicidal football players, and then Katie turned to Dipper and nodded with a _harrumph_. "Fine. You get five minutes alone with your friend."

Blondie hurried over. "What the heck did you do to annoy the Femtaurs?"

"Rainbows, riots, Shmebulock, long story. You know the lowdown on these monsters, right?"

"Not really. Are they anything like the Manotaurs?"

"Kind of. These guys' whole thing is making girls give up dudes. You ever heard of the Hunters?"

"The classic rock band from, like, the seventies?"

"What? No. Greek Mythology. Swore to Artemis that they would give up dudes and remain forever young. My theory is that they eventually evolved or mutated or whatever into these things." Behind him, one Femtaur reared up angrily. "Yeah, I know what I said! _Mutated!_ "

"Maybe I should swear off dudes," Blondie pondered.

"Don't!" Dipper blurted out, and then he realized how weird that sounded. "I mean, from what Mabel's told me, it's not worth it."

"How do you know all of this stuff anyway?"

"I know about the history from Percy Jackson - don't give me that look, I used to read a lot - and I know about their methods from personal experience."

"How do you know? Did they think you were a girl, try to train you up in the ways of never having a boyfriend?"

"Hilarious. No, they tried to get Mabel to give up guys. You saw Mabel at the magic show?"

"Yeah, and her tendency to use the chainsaw more than you."

"Yeah, well, she couldn't stand not having a boyfriend for more than three days and got super crabby. I didn't like the new Mabel, and as it turned out, neither did Mabel herself. That reminds me." He turned to Katie and asked, "Did you ever get your village repaired? Last time I checked, that was a lot of fire."

If looks could kill, Dipper would be dust.

"Gonna take that as a no."

"Look, Starboy-"

"Oh god, are you gonna call me that?"

"You call me Blondie, I call you Starboy. Got a problem with that, Starboy?"

"Yeah, I do, but I see your point."

"Look, Starboy, I can handle these guys." She took off her helmet, and blonde hair spilled out.

Katie's eyes widened. "It's her!" The Femtaurs knelt reverently, Katie included.

"What the fuck." Dipper couldn't believe it, but refused to let his surprise show and give Blondie the satisfaction.

"All hail Queen Pacifica Northwest of Gravity Falls!" the crowd chanted. Katie pointed her spear at Dipper again.

"Shall I kill this trespasser?" she asked, as casually as if she was asking for homework answers.

Blondie pondered it. "Hmm. No, I don't think so. He's my way out of the woods. Thanks though!"

"Of course, my queen. Is there anything we can do for you?" Katie asked. "Can we at least maim him a bit?"

"Wow, these guys do NOT like you, Starboy. No, Katie, not yet."

"I see," Katie said, disappointed. She yanked the spear out of his hood. Dipper tumbled to the ground, free at last.

With a whinny, two Femtaurs popped the tires of his bike. His eye twitched, but he remained stone-faced.

"That will be you if you step foot in this forest without Queen Pacifica, Starboy," Katie warned. "My Queen, I fear we must go. There was a distress call from the chipmunks, apparently they're at war with the gnomes again-"

"Yeesh, _again?_ Alright, dismissed. Feel free to kill Starboy next time!"

They knelt again, and like a whisper in the night, they were gone. Dipper raised a finger after them, then turned to Blondie and said, "There is no fucking way your real name is 'Pacifica Northwest'."

"That's your first comment?"

"I mean, seriously. Did your parents hate you, or were they just hippies? Or both?"

"My aunt and uncle are hippies, yeah, but they love me!"

"That would explain so much. The sweater, the hair, the way you smell like nice flowers-"

"What was that last one?"

"The way you look like you got run over by a dump truck."

"At least my nickname isn't Starboy. How'd you get _that_ name?"

Dipper lifted up his bangs, and revealed his birthmark. "Because of these bad boys. Technically, they've given me two nicknames, Starboy and Dipper."

Pacifica raised an eyebrow. "Your real name must be horrible if you'd rather go by the nickname _Dipper_."

"At least it's not Pacifica Northwest. I mean, are you at least from the Northwest?"

"Florida."

"Let me get this straight, your name is Pacifica Northwest, you don't actually live in the Northwest, your relatives are hippies, _and_ you're from Florida? That's, like, a Batman-level tragic backstory."

"Yeah, I know. What about your motorcycle?"

Dipper walked over to it and felt the hole. He was annoyed, yeah, but this wasn't the first time that they had shot holes into his bike. "Wheels are fine. Axles are still in shape. Just a bit of popping." He turned the key. It sputtered, then died. "Shit."

"Let me take a look," Pacifica offered. "My uncle taught me a few things." She walked over and started checking it out. With a thunk, she smacked the hood.

Dipper hissed. "Don't just hit it!"

"What, like this?" Thunk.

"Will you quit it?!"

"So you're fine with wheels getting popped, but as soon as someone touches it, you flip?"

"Wheels can be replaced in minutes. It takes hours to get dirt off the paint job."

"Well, either way, I got my answer. Engine's overheated."

"No way. I just checked before we left."

"We'll have to let it cool down for a while. Guess we're walking."

"Fine. But I don't do small talk," Dipper warned.

"Why on earth would I want to do small talk with you?"

And so they set off, Dipper mentally marking the location of the bike. They lasted five minutes before Pacifica started talking.

"So how long have you had the bike?"

"I thought you didn't want to 'small talk' me."

"I don't, but I figured I'd probably die of boredom."

"I've been driving since I was twelve."

"Your parents let you do that?"

"Uncles. They figured, 'Hey, as long as he's not killing anyone'."

Superficial small talk, that's all it was, he told himself. She can't use it against me later.

"Have you killed anyone?"

"I'm legally required to answer no."

She snorted. It was a cute snort. "So how good are you with the bike?"

"You know how pros brake by turning their bike ninety degrees and skidding horizontally?"

"Yeah, the Kaneda brake."

"I've been able to do that since I was thirteen."

"Impressive. What made you decide to be a biker bad-boy?"

That question was a little too personal. "How long have you been a mechanic?" Dipper asked, turning the conversation towards her.

"Since about a month ago. My uncle said that if he was gonna take care of me, he was gonna put me to work."

"So you're a regular Winry Rockbell." Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Shitfuck. Why had he said that? Dipper was about to search for the nearest cliff to throw himself over when she responded.

"Well, if we're talking Fullmetal Alchemist, that would make you, what, Roy Mustang?"

"Where'd you get that assumption?"

"You don't show emotion unless you're pissed off."

"Well, you're closer than you think. Huh. I guess I am Mustang."

"You certainly are full of surprises."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when I knocked at your door-"

"Passed out at my door."

"Yeah, that. I wasn't expecting to find that you were a motorcyclist that watches Fullmetal Alchemist and Duct-tective. I wasn't expecting you to actually help me find my cousin. And I definitely wasn't expecting you to help me find him wearing a pink sweater that says GFU on it."

"It's a fashion statement."

"It certainly is. What's it stand for?"

"Gravity Falls University. Where I want to go when I graduate." Dipper hoped that she would drop the subject.

"You say 'want to go' like you can't go. Why not?" She cocked her head quizzically.

He looked away. She was super hot when she did that. "It's personal."

"How personal?"

"Very personal."

"How personal is very personal?"

Super hot and super annoying. "Jesus Christ, Blondie."

"Sorry. I just want to know."

They walked in silence for a while. Then she spoke up again. "I might take a tour there when we get done here."

"Good for you. Now please stop talking."

"You don't have to be such a jerk. I'm just trying to make conversation."

"Normally, I'm against conversation because I'm an asshole, but around here, we do have to be quiet."

"Why?"

 _Clatter-clatter-click_.

Pacifica froze. "What the heck was that?"

"Hide-behind," Dipper said lowly. "It knows we're here."

Pacifica took in a deep breath. "I heard it earlier today, when me and my friends and Robbie-"

"Valentino?"

"That's the one. We were walking to the Big Clearing-"

"The Big Clearing? Oh, you mean Proinsas Clearing."

"That's a dumb name."

"So is Pacifica Northwest."

"Shut up, Starboy."

"Would you rather me call you Blondie?" He was starting to enjoy baiting her. "That wouldn't be an accurate name, though. It's not real blonde, is it?"

Her eyes went dark. Dipper had time to think, _Oh shit_ , before she lunged at him with a flying punch. He ducked, laughing. She didn't see the humor and lunged again. Pacifica landed a punch on his arm. It was kind of a sad punch, to be honest, but he played it up. "I'M WOUNDED!" Dipper screeched, swooning around. "I MIGHT NEVER USE THIS ARM AGAIN!"

"TELL ME THAT MY HAIR IS FAKE BLONDE ONE MORE TIME!" Pacifica hollered at him.

"YOUR HAIR IS FAKE BLONDE!"

She gave a kung-fu yell and went for a flying kick. Dipper caught her foot and swung her gently to the ground. He clapped his hands together and bowed. "Round one, Dipper," he said in a deep baritone.

"God, you're a nerd," she sneered as she got up.

Dipper made a mental note to himself. It wasn't much fun making _nice_ small-talk, but it wasn't much fun being a dick just for her to flip out this badly. It was like they both spoke English, but with different accents. If he wanted to have a normal conversation with her, they needed a happy medium. Suddenly, he heard a noise. "Did you hear that?" Dipper said, snapping to attention.

"What, did you hear the sound of imminent defeat?"

 _Clatter-clatter-click_.

"Uh oh."

"Yeah. Okay, on the count of three, we bail. One-" With a whoosh, he was off.

Pacifica caught up to him easily. "Are you trying to feed me to that thing?"

"...no?" he managed to snark, winded. When they stopped running about a mile later, he put his hands on his knees and tried to not throw up. "I have never run that hard ever," he wheezed.

Pacifica wasn't even winded. "You would die in track season."

"Shut up."

"I mean it. Dead meat walking." She grinned cockily.

Dipper decided that he liked arguing with her more than talking regularly. "I'd do fine."

"Sure."

"Really."

"I have no doubts." She doubted heavily. "How far away are we?"

"About ten feet," Dipper told her, jerking his head to the right. True enough, they had arrived to the edge of the clearing. There was a lump in the middle of it. Dipper saw two people on the other side. One was a bigger girl who was pacing around nervously, and the other sat on a rock. "Is that Robbie?" he asked.

"Yup," she answered.

"Is he checking his phone?"

"Yup," she answered, sounding angrier.

"Okay, the Corgon is in the middle." The lump moved. "Holy shit, you didn't tell me it was this big. We'll just sidle around the side. Slowly."

Pacifica nodded, and fifteen minutes later, they were picking themselves free of branches next to the girl. She stifled a yelp and hugged Pacifica. "Oh my god, you're okay!"

"Yeah, I'm fine, Melody. And I brought help."

The girl named Melody looked at Dipper, who jerked his head up in a "sup" nod. Her motherly look turned into a glare. " _You_."

"Me. Have we met?"

"Your stupid magic show put my parents out of their toy shop business." Her eyes were daggers.

Dipper shifted uncomfortably. "Sorry. I, uh. I didn't know."

Robbie looked up, looking unsurprised. "Hey, Dipper." He went right back to his phone. Pacifica rolled her eyes, but Melody didn't take her eyes off of Dipper.

"Paz, you couldn't have asked anyone else for help?"

Pacifica rolled her eyes. "Okay, you two, we have bigger issues. You said you could heal Gideon?"

"I can, but on one condition," Dipper said, attempting to ignore both the ice from Melody's glare and the growing pit of guilt in his stomach. "I don't want any questions about how."

"Oh my god, it's some sort of perverted healing," Pacifica deadpanned.

Melody raised an eyebrow. "Since when do you say 'oh my god'? Has he corrupted you that much?"

"She tried to kill me," Dipper offered.

"You deserved it," Pacifica shot back.

Dipper was about to start arguing back, but Melody snapped "Less talky, more healy!"

"Fine. No questions. Save autographs until after, please." Dipper knelt by the white-haired boy. He put one hand on Gideon's head, the other on his rather large stomach. He closed his eyes, and concentrated. When Dipper felt the energy release, he opened his eyes. Sure enough, sparks were flooding down Gideon's body.

Gideon suddenly farted, moaned peacefully, and turned over in his sleep. "He's fixed," Dipper announced, covering his nose with the front of his hoodie. "He might be a bit gassy."

"What was that?" Pacifica breathed. Melody squinted at him.

"That was magic, wasn't it." It wasn't a question.

Dipper ignored her. "Okay, he seems pretty heavy, so we'll have to have two people carry him. Me and Blondie over here are the strongest, so we'll lift."

Pacifica didn't stop gaping at him. He shrugged, basking in the confused awe. That was Dipper's favorite reaction to his magic tricks on the stage. It felt nice to get that reaction from his real magic.

"What, you've never seen that before?" he bragged. "There's a lot more where that came from."

"Prove it," she challenged. Dipper grinned, and his eyes turned bluer than the deepest ocean. From under his hoodie and t-shirt, his shoulder glowed.

And Robbie chose that moment to accidentally let his phone ring.

" _FEW TIMES I BEEN ROUND THAT TRACK SO ITS NOT JUST GONNA HAPPEN LIKE THAT CAUSE I AIN'T NO HOLLABACK GIRL!_ " it warbled through the forest.

-

Ten miles away, a Femtaur cocked her ear and grimaced. The tune had been called the Melody of Pestilence by her ancestors. She preferred that one over the Melody of War ("Baby" by Justin Bieber), the Melody of Famine ("Bring Me Back To Life" by Evanescence) or, worst of all, the Melody of Death ("Africa" by Toto).

-

Twenty miles away, a Manotaur cocked his ear and cheered as he heard the mating song. He always wondered why the Femtaurs seemed so averse to it. It was orgasmically good music to his ears.

-

Fifteen feet away, the two-ton lump of fuzz pointed its nose straight at Robbie. "Aw, man," he had time to groan, and then the Corgon charged.

"MOVE!" Dipper yelled, and he tackled Robbie out of the way of the rampaging beast. "Get Gideon out of here!" he commanded Robbie, and then turned to Pacifica, a grim smirk on his face. "You wanted to see some magic? Well, now you'll see why they call me the apex."

He faced down the Corgon in the center of the field. Distracted, it turned away from Melody and Robbie as they picked a happily snoozing Gideon up and hoofed it away from the fight. Pacifica watched in shock.

She watched as Dipper walked calmly forward. She watched as a spot on his right shoulder started glowing. And she watched as his hoodie and t-shirt underneath burned straight off. His torso ignited, wreathed in blue flames. His eyes glowed a powerful, electric blue. The stars on his forehead beamed. He looked like a god, back from hell itself.

And then he punched a giant puppy that farts rainbows in the face.

The Corgon whimpered and retreated. It set its sights on Pacifica, and decided that it seemed like a better bet to try to eat someone standing still. She was still frozen in shock. She had no time to move.

Suddenly, the Corgon stopped in its tracks, then flew to the other side of the clearing. Dipper had grabbed it by the tail and flung it. Pacifica got a nice view of his back, rippling with muscles. On the right shoulder was a tattoo. It seemed to be a triangle surrounded by various circles. It almost looked like-

Pacifica's heart ran cold. When she had vacationed up in Salem in the third grade, there had been a witch's museum with that exact shape on it. The diagram said it was a summoning spell, used to conjure demons.

But what had been conjured?

Dipper roared and punched the Corgon again, cowing it. He grabbed it by the neck and suplexed it to the ground. It hopped back up immediately and lunged at him with a roar of its own. Its claws sliced Dipper's chest to ribbons. If he noticed, he didn't react.

"Dipper!" Pacifica yelled, worried. She looked around frantically and grabbed the nearest tree branch. She broke it off with a loud snap and smacked the Corgon's back with it. It promptly shattered apart. Instantly, Dipper sidled between the Corgon and Pacifica, flaming fists raised and ready to fight.

 _God, he's hot,_ she thought to herself. She meant that in both ways. Her face felt like it was being seared off. _Does he even notice this?_

Dipper looked powerful, in control. His chest, however, was bleeding rather badly. He was beginning to wear out.

He knew that he couldn't keep it up for much longer. "Pacifica, get out of here!" he tried to tell her, but she refused. Silently, she stood next to him, raising her fists in an imitation of him. "Thumbs outside the fist, not inside!"

They were going to fuckin' die.

With a snarl, the Corgon leaped on them, but never touched ground again. It whimpered in fear, but not pain, as it slowly… slowly…

What the hell was it doing?

"It's disintegrating?" Pacifica asked, not dropping her pathetic stance. Dipper dropped his. "Are you that powerful?"

"No, only one person is," he answered, his expression doing the equivalent of facepalming. "My sister."

Sure enough, floating above them was a girl that seemed to be Paz's and Dipper's age. The last time Pacifica saw her, she was on a stage sawing a volunteer in half with a chainsaw. The demented grin on her face didn't set Pacifica at ease for her rescuer.

She touched down and strode up to Dipper. "Why are you out here, Dipshit?"

He looked away. "I was helping."

"Since when do you help with anything?"

"Since about three hours ago."

"Why is your bike in the woods with both of its tires popped?"

"Femtaurs."

"Who are these people?"

"Pacifica, Gideon, Melody, and Robbie."

"Why are you out here really?"

"Told you. Helping."

Pacifica watched intensely. They weren't even finishing their sentences before the other was talking. It was the world's most intense tennis match.

Suddenly, on the other side of the field, Gideon sat straight up. He and Mabel made eye contact, and Dipper knew it was all over.

"Oh my god," Gideon breathed. He had never seen someone so beautiful, someone so powerful. He was in love instantly.

"Oh my god," Mabel murmured. She had never seen such a gentle, kind soul. She was in love instantly.

"Oh my god," Pacifica squealed softly. She had never seen two people fall in love so quickly. She was in love with the pairing instantly.

"Oh, fuck this," Dipper said flatly.

Mabel flew across to where Melody and Robbie carried Gideon, and they set him down. He was steadier on his feet than he was a few minutes ago. "Hi there," he greeted.

"Hello," she said.

"Oh my god, is she blushing?" Dipper whispered to Pacifica.

"I think so. Is that not normal?"

"No! Her two states of mind are either 'rage' or 'being a dick'!"

As the two commented on the burgeoning relationship, Melody watched the pair of pairs. She knew Mabel, but was more than a little scared of her, so she said nothing. She did _not_ like what was going on with Dipper and Pacifica, on the other hand.

"Hey!" she said loudly, cupping her hands around her mouth. Gideon and Mabel stopped drooling over each other, and Dipper and Pacifica stopped cracking jokes to look at her. "I'm definitely thankful for you two for saving us, but we kinda need to get home."

Mabel blinked. "Oh. Right!" She waved her hand, her eyes glowed blue, and a shimmering portal appeared. On the other side was Big Blue. "Everybody in!" Dutifully, Robbie and Melody walked in. Pacifica followed, Gideon trailing behind, shooting glances at Mabel, who waved back.

Dipper walked over to Mabel. "You know that he'll be farting rainbows for a while. Kinda ruins the romance, huh?"

"Only for a bit," she said dreamily. "How about you and the blonde girl?"

"What? No," he denied instantly. "There's nothing. We hate each other."

"I can tell by the hearts in both of your eyes."

"Shut up."

_Clatter-clatter-click._

_-_

Fifteen seconds later, the six of them stood on the front lawn of the house, bathed in the glow of the setting sun. Stan opened the door, raised an eyebrow, and promptly slammed it, yelling, "NO SOLICITORS!"

"Gideon," Melody called, dragging his attention away from Mabel. "Are you feeling better?"

"I am now," he replied happily.

"Okay, good, because I need to get home. I've got a date, and I need to get ready."

Robbie had already left, saying, "Later."

"Does he even care?" Dipper asked Pacifica as Melody and Robbie walked away. "I mean, he just went face-to-face with a giant Corgi. No reaction?"

She was staring intently at his back. "He's lived here since he was born. I'm sure he's just used to it by now."

"Maybe."

The two stood awkwardly for a bit, both attempting to ignore Mabel and Gideon hitting it off. "Well, um," Dipper started awkwardly, but Pacifica cut him off.

"Look, I appreciate you helping him, really," Pacifica told him. "But you need to stay away from us."

Dipper blinked in surprise. "Didn't expect that."

Pacifica looked almost apologetic, but she kept going on. "This is the closest we've ever come to dying. I don't know if Gid will be alright. I know that he's scared of you. He's been scared of you since I came here."

"He should be."

"I don't know what the history there is, but I saw the fear in his eyes when he came to and saw you. You've been nice to me, and I appreciate that. But I need you to stay away."

Dipper was suddenly furious. "I just saved your ass, and THIS is the thanks I get?!"

"Oh, don't give me that," she snapped back. "We would have handled it, just differently."

"Alright, fine! Get off my property, before I come after Gideon!"

"Stay away from my cousin!" Pacifica poked him in the chest. Her eyes were aflame, much like his. She turned on her heel. "Gideon!"

He snapped to attention. "Are we going?"

"Yes! Right now!" Pacifica shook Mabel's hand. "Pacifica Northwest, nice to meet you." She stomped off, Gideon following close behind.

Mabel looked at him. "What the hell did you do?"

Dipper was honestly confused. "I don't know! Apparently, I'm a bully to her cousin or something."

"Well, you might have lost me a potential boyfriend, and you definitely lost yourself a girlfriend."

"She is not my-"

"Don't give me that shit! I saw you two. That's the most emotion I've heard you express since the accid-"

"Don't talk about it! Just don't." Dipper was burning out. He felt tired and sore. "That's the last time I'll ever see her, anyway. Didn't even get to a happy medium of conversation."

"Now go put a shirt on," Mabel instructed, "before she comes back and spontaneously combusts."

"What are you talking about?"

"I saw her! She was eating you alive with her eyes, Dipshit."

"She was not eating me alive with her eyes!"

-

"I was not eating him alive with my eyes!"

"That's a lie and you know it, Paz."

The sun had set, and Gideon and Pacifica were sitting in the living room, watching Duck-tective. Gideon was banding his wound.

"It was obvious."

"Shut up! I broke it off for your sake!"

"No you didn't, Paz." Gideon had his mind-reader voice activated. "You broke it off because you didn't want another John!"

Pacifica's blood boiled. "Do not talk about him."

"Dipper scares me, really, he does, but I can handle him. You're the one who couldn't."

Pacifica changed the subject. "So you and Mabel, huh?"

Gideon, normally bashful about these subjects, grinned. "Yup."

"When's the first date?"

"I haven't gotten around to making one yet, but I'm close." He held up his hand. A phone number was written on it. "Look, Pacifica, if you're gonna make a move on him, act fast."

"Why?"

"I've got the rest of my life to woo Mabel. You've got two months to woo Dipper."

"I am not wooing him! It's not like I'm gonna dream about him at night or anything!"

"You said you're past John. Prove it."

Pacifica decided it was time to turn in. "Good night," she said icily, and went up the stairs.

"When's the first date?!" Gideon yelled after her. She slammed the door in reply and flopped on the bed. _I do not like him,_ she told herself. Pacifica told herself that until she went to sleep.

-

Dipper rolled into bed, exhausted and bleeding. Will was downstairs preparing coffee for the next morning. "Back to work I go," he muttered, then his mind flipped.

Pacifica's blazing eyes were dangerous, impulsive. Beautiful. He realized that he liked arguing with her, but there was a middle ground between "normal conversation" and "argument to the death".

"Happy medium," he told himself. "Happy medium. Oh, who am I kidding? I do not like her!" Dipper told himself that until he went to sleep.

-

Across town, at the Ace of Clubs Grill, Melody slid into her seat, groaning. Her back was aching both from work and from today's adventure. "Hi there," she said. "Sorry I'm late."

Her date grinned. His cap sat a bit crooked, and his shirt was a bit stained with motor oil. He was still a sight for sore eyes.

The first thing he said was, "Sup, dawg?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proofreading? Where we're going, we don't need proofreading! Holy Jesus, it felt good to write a bit. Merry Christmas to all. In case you're wondering, this is the last chapter of the first arc. Expect an interlude soon. Don't worry, Soos will return.


End file.
